Saturday, July 16, 2011

Funny to you, not to them

How to stop worrying and love the chaos. (With apologies to Dr. Strangelove).

Things that may amuse you but can get you in a lot of trouble:
Going to a bloodmobile and asking for the free samples. Smack your lips and look hungry when you do it.

Go to a library clerk and ask where they keep the Kama Sutra. When they looked shocked, smile and ask what they are doing tonight. Surprisingly, this is not an effective pick up line.

Go to the geriatric ward in a hospital wearing wearing only black. When a patient wakes up and asks who you are, answer in a deep voice "I'm Death!". (Reminder--Actions have consequences which is something most people (yeah, I'm talking to you, politicians) seem to forget).

Being in a car full of people and pull up next to one person. Everyone in your car looks over at the lone person and looks horrified or points/laughs at them. Do not do this to a cop. They do not have a sense of humor about it and have the right to arrest you. According to TV, they can claim the Patriot Act and lock you up for several days.

Write employee's evaluations on pink sheets of paper (pink slips).
In the middle of a crowded office, say loudly :Mr. Jamison, don't touch me there!". This is also a good way to get fired if both of you work there.

A very simple way to turn a room full of quiet people into a sudden mob is to utter the two words "free food". I do not care where you are or who is around you, they will turn into a ravenous mob and it is all too easy to lose a finger or hand if you are near the plates. People go crazy. Women will bring their purses to the table and start dumping whole plates of food into their bags. People will come back for 4ths, 5ths and even 9ths if someone has not actually licked the plate clean. We have all seen that guy licking the crumbs off the plate. People come back for more before they have even finished their first plate with their mouths stuffed with the first go around. Those two words create the real flash mob.

When you friend lights up a cigarette in a public place and someone says (which they inevitably will) you can't smoke a cigarette in here, you respond "But that is not a cigarette. It is marij...". Then do not say any more.

Oh, the places you will go.
Oh, the trouble you will cause.

Comments always welcome.

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