Monday, November 26, 2012

Things to know.

I am going to list things in this blog that you should know about me. They will not be obvious things such as I have never been married (well, duh) and that I don’t have any children. These are some not so deep and dark secrets.

My parents have given up on telling me I need to find a nice girl. Now they tell me they would be happy even if I found a nasty girl. I don’t think they mean someone who is physically dirty. At least I hope they don’t. I need to go check. Hold on...

I want to be a pimp since that is the one career where you can legitimately say “Gimme my money, Bitch!”

I believe in mythical creatures and aliens. I hope they come for me. Heck, at this point, I’m even willing to succumb to the probing. I need a good probing.

I'm willing to believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny if there is a profit in it.

I have never tried Starbucks coffee and I fear I am one of the last. This means that, when Starbucks closes their doors after getting the population addicted, I will not be one of the millions who commit suicide since they were cut off. Yes, I have decided Starbucks is an evil alien plot to get the population addicted and they will take over when we are sufficiently hooked.

I often question the validity of the phrase “family sized” especially in relation to food packages. Whose family are we talking about, the mouse family? I wonder since I can sit and eat a whole package of some product that claims the box/bag is family sized.

I hate the expression “priceless”. Basically, it means something/someone has no price and is worthless. People take offense when I say this and then try to take the item as I claim it must be free.

I can be really quiet at times and sometimes people start talking about things. Sometimes women start telling stories, pregnancy stories. Stories that I cannot unhear. Horrible stories that are part of the reason I don’t have any children. Well, that and women don’t want me touching them.

I like to protect my privacy at all costs. This is exactly why I joined Facebook and Twitter as well as starting a blog.

I am fascinated by the novel Frankenstein. So much so that English teachers have told me they will never look at the book the same way when I am done discussing it. I feel like I am the monster which is why I shun mirrors. I feel like Frankenstein’s monster, other people tell me I am a vampire. Either way, I’M A MONSTER!

Many people tell me I need to smile more. These are the same people who tell me to stop smiling when they see me actually doing it. Maybe I should smile more often. It worries people…

I once walked a 43 minute mile. I am still proud of this.

My tip jar reads “Will mock for tips.” It usually stays empty. People always say play to your strengths but they never tip for it. Cheap bastards. 

Monday, November 19, 2012

Pimping and pretty things

                I’ve mentioned my sister, Janie Mae, before. What I have not told you so far is that she was a pimp. Yep, she would sell people for material possessions. Well, the only two people she used were my brother and I.

                My sister devised an ingenious way to handle her friends. If they did something that pleased her (which was rare since she was, and is, hard to please) or she wanted something from them than she would set them up with our brother, Joseph. I can see how this can be perceived as a reward since he is over 6 feet tall and built like a tree trunk (by that I mean muscular and not knotty). He has a huge smile and women constantly throw themselves at him. Literally. We were in a Wendy’s for lunch and women hurled themselves at him. Women even skip trying to catch the bouquet at weddings and opt to have him catch them instead.  It’s sickening, really.

                Yes, my sister was a pimp. She never got any money for this but she got a lot of pretty, pretty things. She always carried around a set of photos of Joseph just in case something caught her eye. Every week she had to update her photo collection so Joseph was constantly in front of a camera. Giving Janie something she wanted was a sure way to get a date with our brother.

                He claims that they were dates only and that he never slept with a woman he went out with. Hearing this sent me into gales of laughter. Unfortunately this occurred at a family gathering and, after picking myself up off the floor, had to explain what I was laughing about. I answered “He never slept with a woman because he always leaves right after sex.” An uncomfortable silence fills the room (except for my laughter) until I am told “Get out!” Apparently they don’t like my smut talk. I am told to get out a lot.

                On the other hand, if the friend has done something to displease Janie Mae and Janie wants her gone, I come into the picture. One or two nights with me and Janie Mae never has to worry about this person bothering her any more. Yes, I am that good. No, it is not a talent. Yes, I could market myself like this. No, I am not proud of it. I am nowhere near as tall as my brother and no one has thrown themselves at me. The closest I have come is someone tripping as they tried to run away.

                Eventually Janie Mae’s friends caught on to her little scheme. The sad part is exactly how long it took for them to catch on. Her friends began to resort to bribery to get Janie Mae to set them up with Joseph. Sarah, one of Janie’s friends, offered a BMW for a chance with Joseph.

                Debra, Sarah’s friend, had this to say. “You offered up a BMW to just go on a date? There is no one that looks… (This is when Joseph walked in) OH MY GOD! Janie, my family has a yacht!”

                Janie asked if the car was a 7 series. Anything less than a 7 is an insult. My sister has developed a taste for the finer things in life by pimping out our brother.

                The day our brother got married is a dark day for women. November has Black Friday. That June has a Black Saturday. All the forlorn women stood outside the church, weeping, wearing black armbands and cursing the heavens above. Security was hired to keep women out and from ruining the event.  Security at the reception after the ceremony had to drag one woman away after she tried to drive a Vespa through the front doors. Security also gave me a hassle as I tried to come in. I wasn’t on the list.  

                 No one ever offered her anything to be with me (things have been offered to keep me away) but understand I was the punishment. One time I woke up next to Elaine who lay next to me, holding the sheets up to her chin.

                “I feel so dirty.”

                My response did not make her feel better. “You should feel dirty. I have no shame and I am a little disgusted with what happened here last night.”

                Janie also uses me as a deterrent and a threat. “Don’t make me call Al in here” usually brings all the other women in line. If I actually am called into the room it ends in tears due to a wink, a nod and a highly inappropriate suggestion. I’m full of those.

                Janie’s system worked well for some time until Joseph got married (another story for another time) and until I met one of Janie’s friends, Danea (It’s pronounced Dana but spelled with an E) which is also a story for another time.


Monday, November 5, 2012


                Another statement that annoys me (yes, there are many) is “Christmas snuck up on me.” Christmas is not a ninja, people. It is the same day every year. It is not like the day jumps around from year to year.

                “Okay, people, this year Christmas is going to be on February 12th. Next year it will be September 7th.”

                It never moves. It is always December 25th. It is even marked on calendars. This is one of those days that you cannot escape seeing since retail stores start promoting it in October. When someone says it is December you should realize Christmas is almost here. Even if you don’t celebrate this holiday (which is fine since I have had all the holiday spirit bled out of me) you should still be aware of it. Radio stations start playing holiday music right after Thanksgiving which is something else I really hate. I feel like smashing radios that are tuned to stations playing non-stop Christmas tunes.

                Shouldn’t the fact that Thanksgiving just happened be a REALLY BIG CLUE to what comes next? I don’t mean Black Friday which is a good way to start the last month before Christmas. Let’s trample an electrician since a human life is worth less than a TV on sale.

                “Timmy, you had better like that 42’’ TV. Do you know what mommy and daddy had to do to get it?”

                Having worked in retail for many Christmases has made me hate the season. First, the weather gets cold. Well, it does on the East Coast. The West Coast has it a lot easier what with all the sun and warm temperatures. If there were no threat of the big one coming I am sure everyone would be living there. Of course I would have to adjust my thinking to make fun of these fools who wear Santa hats with bikinis.

                One of the worst parts is those people who wait until the last week to try to find gifts when all the good presents are gone. These are the gifts for the people who the giver does not really care about but are last minute thoughts since the giver feels obliged to give something. The is the time when people shop for 1) people they don’t like but feel like they have to buy this person something or 2) The person is your Secret Santa name from work who you really, really hate but you drew their name and no one else will trade with you.  The third reason is that the giver is just lazy. They don’t feel like shopping so they go at the last minute and end up getting the worst gifts imaginable like skis for that person who is afraid of snow, a three pack of car scents for a friend or a 6 pack of socks for a loved one with that being all the giver intends to buy and give.  

                The last week is bad since people smell of desperation and all the good gifts are gone. Customers go into the ‘If it is not nailed down, take it’ phase. These are the people who shout “How can you be sold out of this? There are still 6 hours left till Christmas!” This is also the time where people realize they need batteries and retail chains can charge anything for these items. This is when I like to stand back and watch the tears and pleading begin.    

                 “I don’t care if the cookie platter is half eaten. I’ll still buy it.”

                “The plant only has one leaf left and is dying? I’ll take it.”

                One of my biggest pet peeves about the holiday is what people give out as gifts. Specifically I am talking about clothes. My wardrobe is pretty simple. I wear black T’s and black jeans. That is the core of everything yet people still gave me clothes that there is no way on this world or the next that I am going to wear. “Uhm, that is a lot of purple.”  When I was growing up I had to fight a long and hard battle to get people to stop giving me clothes (mainly sweaters). It eventually worked and everything was fine. Now people have started up again and so the fight begins anew. I am getting too old for this.

                I tend to avoid holiday music and movies since I don’t believe in messages of goodness and coming together during this time. I think the Grinch had it right at the start and they ruined a perfectly good character. I have been called Grinch, Scrooge and many other names but I don’t care. During this time I limit my vocabulary to two words and they aren’t Merry Christmas. I have been given coal as a gift in case anyone is wondering. It came in a little red sack. I kept it and love it. Finally, someone gets me.

                Bah, Humbug.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Nekocon 2012

This was the first time I have been to this convention and it is worth going back next year. Set in Hampton, it does not have the crowds of other anime cons which is good since this made it easier to move around. I have heard about this con for some time and decided to finally take the plunge. As always, many pictures were taken (not as many as other cons) and they are displayed below.

What I liked:
1) The con had a friendly feel to it. It was smaller than other conventions I have attended and this seems to be one where a lot of the people know each other. Many people know each other which is something I cannot claim (a downside for me-not having anyone who I can meet and go hang around with). The attendees seemed pleased to see each other and catch up. I was able to meet many people who had some fantastic costumes. See below for some great costumes.

2) Getting Final Fantasy 8. I have been wanting to reacquire it for some time and accomplished this goal here. Now I have games 7 and above. I am pleased.

3) Meeting Chiara Scuro. We have known each other on FB for some time. I have been trying to be at the same con as her but I keep missing her. I despaired of ever meeting her and was about to give up hope of this but lo and behold, it finally happened! I got to see her in a Sailor Moon cosplay (see below).

The not so good.
1) The artist alley was limited. While there were some talented people there, other cons have had a greater number of artists in attendance. I only found one piece I really wanted.

okay, onto what you really want--THE PICTURES!

Lizzy Bush (Batgirl)
and Brittney Taylor (Nightwing)

Erica Bortnick (Glados-Portal 2)


Elyse Teeney (Police Box) and
Lauren Barham as the Doctor

Elhonie Kirchoff

Watson and Madeleine

Sammii Ponseti

Hayley Boone

William Mountford and
Ariel Matthews

Rob Wilson and
Stacie Hudson

Sarah Dove and
Patrick Jenkins



Racheal Hrinda and
Leah Boadway

Alice and Emma

Laura Howell

Samantha Ripert


Dana Plinkington

Kristy Bock and Daniel Hart

V. Faulkner

The Hawks without their masks

Chiara Scuro (to wrap things up)