Monday, January 28, 2013




Everyone has them. Everyone wants them. Everyone needs them.

I have been doing without one for some time and have decided that I want one. I am going to use all the things I have learned about friends from television. Sure, it will be a hard task but I am sure there is someone out there who is willing to do the work.

I know what you are thinking, that I should be doing the work to make it happen. If you know me than you know that is not going to happen.

“If you want a friend, you have to be a friend.” People say this but my question is, how can you be a friend if you don’t have any friends.?That is like trying to make spaghetti when you don’t have any pasta.

Back to what I have learned about friends from TV:

First, everyone in a group has a role. My role would be the sarcastic one who has a mean streak. I would always be there with a quick quip that mocks what other people say or do. This would not be a stretch for me since I do this anyway.  I hope I am not the kooky one who always makes the oddest comments that no one understands. I probably am, though.

Every group hangs around in one spot and they always spent most of their time there. Work be damned. I am going to hang out with my friends.

Children change the group dynamic but these children are rarely seen.

Arguments are funny. So is impotence.

The people that need therapy the most never get it.

Everyone in the group is sexually compatible since they all keep changing partners.

People do the right thing in the end. I would love to emulate this even though I have no idea what the right thing to do is. So, I plan on continue doing the right thing for the one person that really, truly matters: me.

Acceptance is a right. Even when you are wrong, people accept you.

Lastly, I want to find my best friend in the group and I want that person to be female, since TV always teaches us these two people end up together. Look at “Friends” and “X-Files.” Of course, it wouldn’t hurt if she looked like Gillian Anderson but that is not the most important thing.  

I would like to think I have had best friends but they keep asking who I am, how I got their number and why I am calling them. Questions like that never really get answered on TV shows and never really lead to restraining orders. Without TV to tell me what to do in these situations, I am lost. TV has failed me in certain aspects. I am shocked. In reality, I am not invited to join groups but, like Groucho Marx said, “I would never join a group that would have me as a member.” He also said “Once I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas Ill never know.” I am not sure how far I should take his advice.

Begging doesn’t help since every time I announce I need a friend the entire room clears out in a matter of seconds. My need for a friend starts riots. I am going to start one now. I need a friend. Who wants to volunteer (yes, I hear the crickets)?

Monday, January 21, 2013

Valentine's Day

Another holiday is fast approaching and I hate it. Many people have stated this is purely a commercial holiday and aren't they all nowadays? Name the last time retailers of some sort don't use a holiday to promote sales or merchandise that supposedly fits the holiday spirit. This is one holiday that is narrow in focus. You have to be in a relationship to enjoy this holiday which is why I have always broken up with someone when we get close to February 14th.

I have a clean record and have never celebrated this holiday. There have been some close calls but no, I have never had a significant other on this day. Does this make me wise? Does this mean I can see further than other men? Does this mean I know how to avoid the traps this holiday brings?

Absolutely not. This just means I am alone on the holiday but I am okay with that. This is one event that is made for special interests which include florists, candy makers, lingerie stores and card companies. What better way to say I love you than by giving someone an item that was hacked from the ground before being put in a cooler so to keep it fresh. I understand cadavers are kept this way so they stay fresh too.

I say this holiday is a trap since people get so caught up in it. Give the wrong gift and expect to be sleeping on the couch. Give the ideal gift and be expected to do the same for the rest of your life. Keep your partner's expectations low. This way when you do something right they are very pleased.

One tip: If you are going to buy lingerie, buy it one or two sizes too small. Nothing is more insulting to a size 8 woman than giving her clothing for a size 12 body.

Here are some things I have learned over my lifetime when it comes to dealing with the holiday:

1) Do not tell her you had money set aside to get her a fabulous gift but then Destinee hit the stage at the club and you spent all your money on her.

2) Do not go flower shopping through the florist's dumpster. Sure, the flowers are free which saves you some money or, at least, do not tell her you did this. There is a line between thrifty and cheap and this crosses it.

3) Do not give her edible jewelry. She will not be amused when you give her the jewelry box and, after opening it, seeing a diamond necklace which you promptly pop into your mouth declaring it to be gum.

4) Do not tell her that all the guys from your fantasy football league are coming to the romantic dinner for two just so you can celebrate the start of the season.

Lastly, never ever tell her that the gift you got her was a hit with all the other women you have been with.

See, there are some many hoops to jump through and what do we (as men) get? A bunched of pissed off husbands/boyfriends from your partner's friends who tell their partners what you did for your wife/girlfriend. Is it worth it? Yeah, it probably is...

Monday, January 14, 2013

Keeping a journal

Someone suggested I keep a journal as a place to keep my thoughts. I suppose they said this hoping that my thoughts stay on a page instead of flying out of my mouth. That's unlikely. I have no problem spreading the wealth of things in my head with the general public.

I say journal since the word diary has certain female connotations and I am not going to start writing "I must, I must, I must increase my bust." If I do than you know something has gone horribly, horribly wrong and no, I am not giving you a license to put me down because of it.

The problem is that I never know what to put in my journal. Right now the pages are blank since I do not know what makes for a good journal.

Should I write about how I am creating a butterfly army? Butterflies are tough and you don't know fear until you have seen a Monarch Butterfly on steroids. Yes, I am juicing up my butterfly soldiers.

Should I write about my dreams of winning the Nobel Prize for blogging?

Should I write about things I question such as whether Milli Vanilli still has fans?

Should I write about my idea that if human women began acting like Black Widow spiders than there would be a lot less problems for women (since most men would be dead)?

Should I write about the random thoughts that go through my head? You cannot spell psychologist without psycho. How do most of these people ever make it through their own analysis (which, as I understand it, they have to go through before starting to practice). Also, why do these doctors call it a practice? I don't want someone who is practicing. I want someone who has done it before and knows what they are doing. Practice means they are preparing to get ready for the real thing. I would hope that I am the real thing. Besides, as messed up as I am, I need a professional. Maybe two or three.

Should I write about the things I tell people that leaves them staring at me with their jaws hanging open? I am not sure if that person is feeling shock, disgust, fear, awe etc. Mainly since they have been struck speechless.

Should I write about how I failed a personality profile since I do not have a personality?

Should I write about my conflicting nature of loving movies but hating most of the dreck that Hollywood puts out every year? Come on, people, how many sequels do we need a year? Spend less money on making the same movies over and over and spend it on new, innovative material.

Should I write about my complicated love life and the troubles I have with dating? I am of the mind that I never pretend to be someone other than I am and this is why I have never gone beyond a second date. That's me, crushing any chance of a second date by my brutal refusal to act like someone other than I am. The point is that I am not the guy women want to be involved with long term. It is a shame, really since I have so very little to offer.

Any suggestions on what goes in to making a good journal will be read, considered and summarily rejected (but thank you for trying).

Monday, January 7, 2013


2013 is upon us and people are making all kinds of resolutions. Not me. I am perfect just the way I am. How can you improve on this?

Right now my former employers (if they read this) and standing up in indignation over that statement. They tell me that I come across very quiet when I get hired but that doesn’t last long.

Things I want to do in 2013.

1)      Get in touch with my inner child. No, I haven’t done so yet no matter what anyone else says.  I’m willing to do this since I need a break. It is so exhausting to be me. You have no idea.

2)      Going a whole year without someone asking “What is wrong with you?” or “Why would you do that?” (This one did not even last 24 hours).

3)      I resolve that I will find a woman who will make an honest man out of me. Shut up. It could happen.

4)      This year will be the one where Jennifer Love Hewitt realizes she loves me. Yes, I know she has no idea who I am. If she cannot do it than Lucy Liu, Jaime King, Alex Kingston, Stacey Oristano, Hudson Leick, etc. will do.

5)      I resolve to get my cats to say something nice about me. Yes, I know number 4 is more likely than this one.

6)      Find a place where Angelina Jolie striking a pose at an awards show is not hard news.

7)      Find a place where the politicians are more interested in helping their country rather than themselves (which may be less likely than number 5).

8)      Start my own cult—I MEAN COMMUNE. Who said cult? Not me…

9)      Maintain my record of never drinking Starbucks coffee. Am I one of the last? Am I a dying breed? The pressure makes me want to drink…but not coffee.

10)   Keep being the wonderful person that I am and watch as people drop me as a friend on Facebook because that is the easiest way to determine your worth as a person. The more friends you have indicates how good a person you are.  Right.

Okay, that is it for resolutions. I should resolve to stay the sweet, good natured individual I am but that is stretching it too far and no one would ever believe that. Heck, I don’t even believe that and I am writing this thing.
All in all, this means another year of me just being me. I will do more outrageous things that will leave mouths hanging open and shocked gasps. I REGRET NOTHING! NOTHING!