Friends

Friends.

 

Everyone has them. Everyone wants them. Everyone needs them.

I have been doing without one for some time and have decided that I want one. I am going to use all the things I have learned about friends from television. Sure, it will be a hard task but I am sure there is someone out there who is willing to do the work.

I know what you are thinking, that I should be doing the work to make it happen. If you know me than you know that is not going to happen.

“If you want a friend, you have to be a friend.” People say this but my question is, how can you be a friend if you don’t have any friends.?That is like trying to make spaghetti when you don’t have any pasta.

Back to what I have learned about friends from TV:

First, everyone in a group has a role. My role would be the sarcastic one who has a mean streak. I would always be there with a quick quip that mocks what other people say or do. This would not be a stretch for me since I do this anyway.  I hope I am not the kooky one who always makes the oddest comments that no one understands. I probably am, though.

Every group hangs around in one spot and they always spent most of their time there. Work be damned. I am going to hang out with my friends.

Children change the group dynamic but these children are rarely seen.

Arguments are funny. So is impotence.

The people that need therapy the most never get it.

Everyone in the group is sexually compatible since they all keep changing partners.

People do the right thing in the end. I would love to emulate this even though I have no idea what the right thing to do is. So, I plan on continue doing the right thing for the one person that really, truly matters: me.

Acceptance is a right. Even when you are wrong, people accept you.

Lastly, I want to find my best friend in the group and I want that person to be female, since TV always teaches us these two people end up together. Look at “Friends” and “X-Files.” Of course, it wouldn’t hurt if she looked like Gillian Anderson but that is not the most important thing.  

I would like to think I have had best friends but they keep asking who I am, how I got their number and why I am calling them. Questions like that never really get answered on TV shows and never really lead to restraining orders. Without TV to tell me what to do in these situations, I am lost. TV has failed me in certain aspects. I am shocked. In reality, I am not invited to join groups but, like Groucho Marx said, “I would never join a group that would have me as a member.” He also said “Once I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas Ill never know.” I am not sure how far I should take his advice.

Begging doesn’t help since every time I announce I need a friend the entire room clears out in a matter of seconds. My need for a friend starts riots. I am going to start one now. I need a friend. Who wants to volunteer (yes, I hear the crickets)?