Valentine's Day

Another holiday is fast approaching and I hate it. Many people have stated this is purely a commercial holiday and aren't they all nowadays? Name the last time retailers of some sort don't use a holiday to promote sales or merchandise that supposedly fits the holiday spirit. This is one holiday that is narrow in focus. You have to be in a relationship to enjoy this holiday which is why I have always broken up with someone when we get close to February 14th.

I have a clean record and have never celebrated this holiday. There have been some close calls but no, I have never had a significant other on this day. Does this make me wise? Does this mean I can see further than other men? Does this mean I know how to avoid the traps this holiday brings?

Absolutely not. This just means I am alone on the holiday but I am okay with that. This is one event that is made for special interests which include florists, candy makers, lingerie stores and card companies. What better way to say I love you than by giving someone an item that was hacked from the ground before being put in a cooler so to keep it fresh. I understand cadavers are kept this way so they stay fresh too.

I say this holiday is a trap since people get so caught up in it. Give the wrong gift and expect to be sleeping on the couch. Give the ideal gift and be expected to do the same for the rest of your life. Keep your partner's expectations low. This way when you do something right they are very pleased.

One tip: If you are going to buy lingerie, buy it one or two sizes too small. Nothing is more insulting to a size 8 woman than giving her clothing for a size 12 body.

Here are some things I have learned over my lifetime when it comes to dealing with the holiday:

1) Do not tell her you had money set aside to get her a fabulous gift but then Destinee hit the stage at the club and you spent all your money on her.

2) Do not go flower shopping through the florist's dumpster. Sure, the flowers are free which saves you some money or, at least, do not tell her you did this. There is a line between thrifty and cheap and this crosses it.

3) Do not give her edible jewelry. She will not be amused when you give her the jewelry box and, after opening it, seeing a diamond necklace which you promptly pop into your mouth declaring it to be gum.

4) Do not tell her that all the guys from your fantasy football league are coming to the romantic dinner for two just so you can celebrate the start of the season.

Lastly, never ever tell her that the gift you got her was a hit with all the other women you have been with.

See, there are some many hoops to jump through and what do we (as men) get? A bunched of pissed off husbands/boyfriends from your partner's friends who tell their partners what you did for your wife/girlfriend. Is it worth it? Yeah, it probably is...