Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Good-bye, 2013

2013 in review

2013 is almost over and a lot has gone on during the year. Some of it was good and some of it was bad. I can no more blame the year for the things that happened than I can blame Phil Robertson for having a negative opinion of homosexuals. No, wait--I can blame him for that.

Still, it is not the year's fault for what happened just like 2014 will also contain good and bad that is not the year's responsibility. I am not sure if the year has any responsibility for anything besides having 12 months. Do you think lazy years might slack off and only have 10 months?

Anyway, here are some things that happened over the year.

I continued writing this blog. People continued to ignore it.

I went to Katsucon again.

When I returned from Katsucon I was informed that the FYE (For Your Entertainment, a music and movie store). I worked at was closing down. Nothing like returning from a convention of fun to be told that your job will be over in a month.

The school year ended and I was out of work for the summer.

I was accepted to grad school.

I moved to Georgia which enabled me to get away from an abusive, angry roommate (angry enough to threaten to kill me, kill my cats, and burn down the place we were living one afternoon).

I lost Blackberry right before the move. I adopted him when he was a 5 week old kitten back in 2003 and he would not be going to Georgia with me. It really hurts that he died two days before I moved.

I adopted Midnight and Spider in October. I have never had a pair of female kittens before. I am trying to convince my 10-year-old cat that he is their father.

I started grad school for archiving and began working on a program for medical coding.

I attended Dragon*Con again. I was supposed to photograph a mini shoot at the huge Marvel group but Allan Hansard gave that job to someone else that day.

I attended AWA (Anime Weekend Atlanta) for the first time.

I met many new people. I annoyed many new people.

I drove 10 hours from Georgia to DC without a break other than stopping for gas. I really cannot tell you how great it is to drive that long without resting. Don't do it.

I am not sure if 2013 had any lessons to be learned but even if it did, I am going to be like Calvin, from "Calvin and Hobbes", and refuse to find out.

Sunday, December 22, 2013


President Obama is getting a lot of heat about his health care program. I think it is flawed in that it says everyone has to have insurance. It should be focusing on those who cannot afford insurance getting insurance. Insurance is a pricey expense and many cannot afford the monthly rates. The president should not be forcing those who do not want insurance to get policies but help those who want it but cannot afford it.

He has been blamed for many things since the whole thing started and I am going to continue the blame game.

It is his fault that several Hollywood starlets have had wardrobe malfunctions or the dreaded nip slip. Not that I mind the nip slip since it gives my life purpose and direction and something to root for at Hollywood events. "Come on, nip slip. Daddy needs to see it." Yes, calling out daddy while hoping to see skin is creepy. I know this.

It is his fault that Dori and I have not used Skype in some time. I don't know how but it is.

It is his fault that reality TV is still prevalent on the networks. I really hate him for this.

It is his fault that Europe has converted to using the Euro and not the dollar. Or that we are not using the Euro. Or that there is even a Euro.

It is his fault that cats are attracted to laser light pointers. He made them this way.

It is his fault for twerking. That's right. I said it. Obama is to blame for twerking.

It is his fault Jennifer Love Hewitt married someone other than me. What was he thinking?

It is his fault that finger and toe nails fly all over the place when you clip them. This is why people should wear protective eye gear when working on the nails.

It is his fault Maggie shot Mr. Burns.

It is his fault that they are remaking so many movies in Hollywood and not just making new ones. It is a disgusting trend. I mean they are remaking "Robocop" and the original is not even that old. Come on, Hollywood (and by Hollywood, I mean Obama) let's get original.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

One day for all of us


It’s coming.

It’s coming for me and you.

I don’t get very upset about this since it is going to happen no matter what I want. This is why I never understand why some people are so afraid of it.

It is not that I want to die. I just don’t care because it is going to happen. I just really hope that my death is natural (or unnatural) and not one that ends up on the Darwin list like the guy who put his arm up a vending machine, got stuck, and ended up pulling the machine over on top of himself. Idiot.

Now I know that funerals are for the living since the dead really don’t care what happens after they are dead. I mean, as far as I know, no corpse has sat up in its coffin during the ceremony and declared “What, this is all the turnout I get?”

When my time comes and people are subjected to my funeral (I will be there in spirit only) I plan to have invisible strings pull me up, have me start doing frog kicks, and singing “Hello, my baby. Hello, my darling.” Yes, I know I have said this before but it bears repeating. Not to Byron (a former manager who was horrified by some of the things I did and said) who did not see the humor in this but it still makes me laugh when I think of the sheer panic this will cause. I expect to cause fainting, screaming, and a stampede to the exit. People who tell the story can end it with “And that kids is how Al was finally laid to rest. We burned the body just to make sure he was really dead. You can never tell with him.”

Why do people wait until now to say “Bless his heart?” It is a little bit late for that, since you know they are beyond caring and have reached their afterlife, whatever that it.  And, if there is an afterlife, is there a pre-life? A place where people sit around and discuss what they are going to do when it is their turn to be born?

Also, why do they use the phrase “in loving memory?” Whose memory are we talking about here? I bet there are plenty of people who do not remember the deceased fondly.  I bet there are several people in attendance who would like nothing better than to curse at the body.

What cracks me up are that people will tell stories about the deceased and people will nod and say “Yep, that sounds like Bob” no matter the story being told. Like “I remember one summer where Bob was drunk off of pixie dust and hard apple cider. He spent every day squatting on the ground, making chicken noises while wearing a tuxedo. Sometimes he would declare he was a penguin. Other times he would climb to the roof of the barn and declare he was a Bald Eagle gone wild. That was also the summer he ate those wild mushrooms and ran about town, kissing every woman and calling her Lucy Liu, Mama Cass, or Lou Ferrigno. I miss the days when he would sit on my head and tell me of his boy hood dreams of being a woman’s purse. “

“Here are some other things you may not know about Bob. He was one quarter hedgehog on his father’s side.”

“He believed that ice cream should only come in one flavor, Turtle.”

“Kittens as mittens were a few of his favorite things…to wear during the lean and cold months.”

“He told me 16 times that bananas weren’t just for eating. He always told me that with a wink.”
People will nod and say that sounds like Bob even if they never witnessed any of these events.

At funerals, some people stand in a line as others walk by and say “sorry for your loss.” How come no one ever says that to the corpse? They have are suffering a loss as well. They lost their life. What would make that awesome is if someone actually said that to the body and the corpse responded, “I’m sorry too!”

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

By the numbers

So here are some startling facts about things I have noticed.     

                More people do not read this blog than do. That is a terrible statistic and it horrifies me but it is true.

                63% of Americans have admitted to wearing sandals at one time. That is a horrible statistic. Also, 14% of people have worn sandals and black socks together. Those 14% just look stupid. If you want to cover your feet, just put on a pair of shoes.

                3% of cats think they are better than humans. The other 97% KNOW they are better than humans. 100% of cats love you more when you have something they want like turkey or chicken or anything that smells delicious.

                99% of the people I know pretend they don’t know me. The other 1% are in training.

                Breakfast bowls have over 100% of your daily recommended cholesterol allowance. That means one serving is all the cholesterol you need for a whole day. It means you cannot eat anything else that contains cholesterol. Thanks, breakfast bowls.

                98% of Americans have stepped on the crack and broken their mother’s back. 72% of these mothers have sued and won. The other 28% sued and lost.

                4 out of 5 dentists do not want me in their offices. The fifth dentist realized that the amount of work needing to be done can pay his kid’s college education.

                100% more people use the internet than those who lived 100 years ago.

                18% of the people I know believe I am a horrible, horrible person. In other news, 82% of the people I know are wrong.

                1 out of every 1,000 people has been brutally attacked by flying fish. There are now support groups for these individuals as they try to put their lives back together.

                32% of gynecologists are male. In a related story 32% of gynecologists shouldn’t be trusted.