Saturday, July 30, 2011

In Barbie's world

Some time ago there was a Barbie doll that uttered the phrase "Math class is tough.". This caused quite a bit of outrage since people were upset that a doll would not be good at math. Or maybe these people were mad because a doll spoke the truth. I have to believe that a piece of plastic would not be good at math. I mean, most flesh and blood people are not good at it so why should a doll be proficient at calculating figures?

It occurs to me that having Barbie being bad at math opens a whole line of new Barbie dolls for Mattel to put out. They are (in no particular order) as follows:

Can't Balance a Checkbook Barbie.

Dream House Foreclosure Barbie.

Chapter 11 Barbie.

Bad Debt Barbie.

Overdrawn Account Barbie.

Bad Architect Barbie (since she cannot draw things to scale).

Bad at Measurement Barbie (comes with a relieved Ken).

Comments always welcome

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Debtor nation

The United States is facing a debt crisis and the government is trying to solve the problem. One solution is to create a bigger problem. Raise the debt ceiling which means allowing the U.S. to go deeper into debt. Shouldn't we be going the opposite way? Instead of getting deeper into debt we should be paying off what we owe. That is what the government wants the citizens to do. That is what the banks what people to do. That is what people want to do. Shouldn't people expect the government to do the same?

What happens if we cannot pay the debt? Since we are all citizens of the U.S. does that mean we are responsible for the debt? Is Georgia going to revert to debtors prison like it was so many years ago? Are they going to force 300 million Americans to live in Georgia? I don't want to live in Georgia with 300 million people. To be fair, I do not want to live in Georgia with 300 people.

Is the U.S. going to have to sell things to their creditors to make up for the debt? If so, I have some suggestions.

The Washington Monument. Most people have already seen it. Most people do not even know who Washington is or what he did aside from the cherry tree incident. The shape of it is very suggestive and not appropriate in this overly prudent nation.

The letters in the Hollywood sign but each should be should individually. Don't sell them as one. Let people bid for the right to have a big O. I can guarantee that the sign will give people 3 big Os. Some may think that a big O is worth any price.

The White House. If the country forecloses we are not going to need to have the president shack up there anymore. Sell it off. Let a developer come in and make alterations. "Why is this room oval? I don't like it. It should be a triangle or maybe a rectangular prism." "This is the War Room? It will make a great place for all my train sets."

Of course, you will have some fool who will state "You can buy up all our land but you can never buy the American spirit". Please, someone opens up their wallet and many Americans will be in line to sell it. We are the nation where a mother (who  had a child that feared the monster under the bed ) made a trap to catch said monster and then put this up on EBay where people bid on it. We are a nation where everything is for sale.

Why did the government wait until the last minute to deal with this issue? Was it not important before? This reminds me of those people who say "Christmas snuck up on me.". How can it sneak up on you? It is the same day every year. It is marked on calendars. It does not change from year to year. You would think that someone in the government might think "Hey we should probably deal with this before it gets close to the deadline. Waiting until the last minute might not be a good idea.". Of course, that kind of talk requires foresight and we cannot have that in this nation.

Instead of dealing with the nation's problems do you want to know what the politicians are doing?
Taking pictures of their bodies and sending it around.
Having affairs.
Getting illegal campaign contributions.
Illegally spending campaign contributions.
Worrying about the next presidential election.
Finding ways to insult and demean other political parties.

Comments always welcome.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

No good answers

Recently a tragedy occurred in Norway. Two attacks were conducted on the same day which resulted in many deaths. 92 people died in the matter of minutes. The first attack took place in the Prime Minister's building in Oslo. A bomb went off and cost seven people their lives. That is horrible but the other event was much worse. The link below is a news article about what happened from MSNBC.

At a camp in Utoya a gunman opened fire and began to kill all those around him. People begged for mercy but none was given. The people who died did so due to what people are taught is the right thing to do. The gunman came to the camp dressed as a police officer. We are raised to believe in the police and trust them. This is what those people did. At least 85 people died because of his actions. Not only did this man take away lives but he also caused people to wonder who can we actually trust. He was not a lawman but he wore the image of one.

He expressed the idea that these killings were necessary.
He chose to do this. He chose to make a bomb and he chose to bring guns to a camp. It was not a necessity. He did not have to. People fail to understand that what they do are their choices.Killing those people was not something that has to happen. It was something he had complete control over. The actions we take are never necessities. Our actions are the choices we make.

Now he is in custody leaving only questions and grief. People want answers about why someone would do this. There are no good answers, no solutions that are going to make people feel better, nothing that will ease the suffering. His justifications will not make this better.

This is one of the problems with looking for answers. Sometimes you find them.

Comments always welcome.

Saturday, July 23, 2011


I believe in evolution. I believe that women have evolved into people that question things and I believe that men have evolved into people that fear these questions:

Do I look fat in this?
Do you think she is pretty?
What do you think of my new hair style?
Would you go out with her?
Do you notice anything different about me?
Can you believe she wore that?
Can you believe she is wearing the same thing I am?

Any man will tell you this is a minefield where there is no right answer. Wars have been fought over these questions. The best a man can hope for is not the right answer but the one that will get him in the least trouble. Every man in the world would buy a device that gave him a way to answer the above questions. NO MATTER THE COST!

These questions bedevil men and I think there was a council of women who developed the questions just for the purpose of confusing men. Men did not give women the proper respect women wanted so women decided to take get respect by using fear and intimidation. See, women are smarter than men. Men never get together and discuss how to do this.

Women have two other tools in their arsenal; tears and pregnancy. Guys know it is all over when a woman breaks out the tears, real or faked. Men cannot do this. If a man tried crying the woman would tell him to "suck it up" or "man up:. I wonder if women tell other women to "women up" and if they do, what it means.

Pregnancy is something no man (I don't care what they say to the contrary) wants to go through so women have all the power here. To be quite honest, no man even wants to see a woman giving birth. And to all the men who are gynecologists, there is something wrong with you. Do these guys want another man doing exams on their wives? I think not but husbands/boyfriends will not say anything. They are too afraid to say "I forbid you from seeing a male gynecologist!".I don't know why men won't say this since forbidding a woman from doing something is always a good idea. I also wonder about the relationships male gynecologists have. If you play in the sand all day for work, you do not want to go home and play in the sand.

Having a gynecologist for a husband or boyfriend must be hard for a woman. She is probably always thinking "Is he judging me? Has he seen prettier ones at work?".

I have not figured out why some people want to tape the birth of a child. Taping the child after they are born makes sense to me but not the actual birth.

Seriously, that is not a video you can pass around or show to your friends. Are you planning to show it off during a dinner party? "Hey guys, while you are eating the crab cakes and pate, I have a video to show you.". That will be the last time people come to your house for anything.

Do you plan to hold onto the video for 15 years and then one day, when your child is misbehaving, you break it out and make the kid watch it. "You see what you put your mother through? Now go to your room!".

How did people handle the first pregnancy? There was no manual, no one to tell people what to do. People just look at this woman getting bigger and bigger until someone finally says "You sure have put on a lot of weight" which (of course)  caused the first murder.

Comments always welcome.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Kelly Ripa is addicted!

Let me start by saying that Kelly Ripa is good at what she does. She handles the co host duties of her show well and has even handled working on two shows at once. She is very diplomatic which is important considering who her regular partner is and can even handle the occasional special guest host. Anderson Cooper came on one time and began to disparage reality TV (which is what people should be doing) and Ripa had to stop him since it is her job to make the "stars" of reality TV feel good about themselves.

This leads to my point. Ripa is addicted to reality TV. She has to be since she regularly discusses every reality show aired in America. She even gets excitable while doing it. I have to wonder how she has so much time for all of this watching. My current theory is she has her husband, Mark, watch the kids since she is going to do "research" for something to discuss on the talk show. She can tell Mark to watch the kids since he is not currently working. "Honey, you don't have a job right now so you just keep watching the kids.". Later, when all her TV needs have been met, she asks Mark for some funny stories about the kids so she can mention them the next day.
Kelly: I'm done watching the bad behavior. Mark, give me a story I can use tomorrow.

She also does commercials for appliances and with every one of these commercials she has new children. I wonder how many children does she actually have. Mark needs to give her some breathing room. Is this another side effect of his not working, the creation of multiple new children? I know Mark does work at times. Most of what I have seen him doing is appearing on the talk show to keep a watchful eye on Regis.
Mark goes to make sure Regis keeps his hands off of Kelly. You just know Mark is backstage watching every move Regis makes.

She also has the courage to admit she comes from New Jersey and does so with pride. That is amazing considering who some of the current stars from this state are. I am talking about the cast of "Jersey Shore". What a fine bunch of role models they are. Since we all know that constantly drinking and having sex with anything that moves is always a good idea. What does it say about our society that these people have become role models, that these people are idolized?

Regis is getting ready to retire or maybe Kelly is putting him out to pasture. When he is gone, she can run the show by herself, no more having to put up with the testosterone. Let the estrogen rule! No more bowing to the whim and innuendo of a much older man. She can fill the hour with recaps of the train wrecks she watched on TV. Yes, I am calling reality TV shows a train wreck. This might be why Kelly watches so much of it since everyone likes to stare at an accident.
 Comments always welcome.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Funny to you, not to them

How to stop worrying and love the chaos. (With apologies to Dr. Strangelove).

Things that may amuse you but can get you in a lot of trouble:
Going to a bloodmobile and asking for the free samples. Smack your lips and look hungry when you do it.

Go to a library clerk and ask where they keep the Kama Sutra. When they looked shocked, smile and ask what they are doing tonight. Surprisingly, this is not an effective pick up line.

Go to the geriatric ward in a hospital wearing wearing only black. When a patient wakes up and asks who you are, answer in a deep voice "I'm Death!". (Reminder--Actions have consequences which is something most people (yeah, I'm talking to you, politicians) seem to forget).

Being in a car full of people and pull up next to one person. Everyone in your car looks over at the lone person and looks horrified or points/laughs at them. Do not do this to a cop. They do not have a sense of humor about it and have the right to arrest you. According to TV, they can claim the Patriot Act and lock you up for several days.

Write employee's evaluations on pink sheets of paper (pink slips).
In the middle of a crowded office, say loudly :Mr. Jamison, don't touch me there!". This is also a good way to get fired if both of you work there.

A very simple way to turn a room full of quiet people into a sudden mob is to utter the two words "free food". I do not care where you are or who is around you, they will turn into a ravenous mob and it is all too easy to lose a finger or hand if you are near the plates. People go crazy. Women will bring their purses to the table and start dumping whole plates of food into their bags. People will come back for 4ths, 5ths and even 9ths if someone has not actually licked the plate clean. We have all seen that guy licking the crumbs off the plate. People come back for more before they have even finished their first plate with their mouths stuffed with the first go around. Those two words create the real flash mob.

When you friend lights up a cigarette in a public place and someone says (which they inevitably will) you can't smoke a cigarette in here, you respond "But that is not a cigarette. It is marij...". Then do not say any more.

Oh, the places you will go.
Oh, the trouble you will cause.

Comments always welcome.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011


My brother and his family have moved to England. He says it is for business, that his company is transferring him over there. I say he is being deported (My family always expected me to be the one who gets deported).

He had to go through all the security checks, get on an 8 hour flight with two young children, arrive there with a 5 hour time difference so it will be past 9 P.M. when he arrives. This must be hard since he does not move for his job much. Having a family means trying to stay in one place instead of continually uprooting them. Uproot, put down roots, when did we become like plants?

Side note: You can always tell when someone is desperate for physical contact when they go through the T.S.A. screening process at airports. That person tips the agent and asks them to go slower, go higher or linger in certain points.

I have never put down roots. Quite the opposite. I seem to have the 3 year rule. Stay somewhere 3 years and then move to a new place. I move before the mob forms and they come after me with pitchforks and torches. Easier to leave on your own rather than being chased by angry villagers. No, I am not running from the law thank you very much. I know some of you were wondering that.

One of the bad things is when people find out I have a 3 year rule and they start to push for me to leave. "Hasn't it been three years yet?" or "Can't we just pretend it has been three years?". It is always heartwarming when people try to get you to go. Of course I cannot blame them since I tell people to "just go" all the time. My actual statement is "Don't go away angry. Just go away." For some reason the people I say this to are not amused by it.

Then there is unpacking. "It has been 2 years. Why haven't you unpacked?" is something I hear a lot. Call me lazy but I feel that if I am just going to put it back in a box less than 3 years later there is no point in taking it out (Of course, not taking it out can save a person a lot of trouble in many different ways). Packing is a good thing though since it allows you to see what you have accumulated without actually knowing or remembering it. "What is this? 'Dirty Dancing' steak knives? Monica Lewinsky-well, that explains where she has been. 17 different Chia Pets? Man, what was I thinking?"

Not having to pack means you get to avoid that one person who always asks "Hey, can I have this?".

Of course, you try giving some of these accumulated things away and then the questions about how you got these things arise. There is always the "Why do you have that?" which is a legitimate question but the one that causes trouble is "Where did you get that?!?".  This question is basically tells you that this particular thing should not be in your possession as the legality of it has now been brought up. After that question I tend to pause and then slowly say "found it" or  "I don't remember.". Hey, if it works in Congress, it should work on when I try to give things away. That is why I do not give my new address to the person who questions the "gift" I am giving. That means they cannot track me down about it later.

Comments always welcome.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

talking without words

People have gone overboard with shortening words. It has gotten to the point where one can have a whole conversation without using real words.



The bad part is that the people doing this are going to get older and not know any better. Imagine going to a job interview.

They walk into the interview and say "''Sup?" before slapping the interviewers hand.
Mr. Jones, Tell me more about yourself.
Their answer is "IDK. LOL. BRB." and they don't come back.

Imagine if the president did this? This is the new State of the Union address. No actual words. Of course, that would mean people might actually listen. The president is not saying anything now, he/she won't be saying anything then. Or if the president does not even bother to televise the speech anymore. Just tweet the short version. 40 minutes of speech condensed into two sentences.

Is this how people are going to conduct relationships in the future? Completely over texts with little three letter messages to express how they feel. People already break up over text message so why not hook up the same way. Hook up and break up over text. A 10 minute relationship over text message. When it is over break out the ice cream and cry about how it was the best relationship and how you want them back (This is what the guy will do). The girl will go to the shooting range and vent her anger there.

Texting also means less paper will be used which will be good for the trees. I can see it now. Billboards with pictures of trees standing around telling people to "do more texting'" just like cows telling us to "eat more chicken!".

Schools will now have classes taught over text message. Geo Was ws 1st prs. Lnln ws 16. Lnln fght cvl wr. Nth vs sth. We think people don't know history now? Just wait until it it taught over text. English classes taught over text means no more periods, commas and quotes. "Dude, whts tht dot at end of sntc?"

At that point all someone has to do is write a complete sentence presenting a complete idea and all the readers will be lost.

Comments always welcome.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Bad restaurants

People are preoccupied with with restaurants. They are always saying "Let's go out to eat." which of course means shouting into a drive by (yes, I mean drive by since you are basically throwing words and money at someone you don't know) speaker. Going to a fast food restaurant prevents people from interacting with wait staff and ambiance. To me, ambiance is not being surrounded by windows and watching people go through the drive through.

One thing to remember is that when you sit down at a restaurant you are putting themselves at their mercy and they many not have any. They control the air conditioning or heat, the lights, the water, the music, the speed of the service and, most importantly, the food. They even close the kitchen off in a special room behind closed doors so you cannot actually see what goes on in the kitchen. You are accepting at blind faith that they are doing the right thing back there. Of course, there are some signs whether you are in a good or bad restaurant.

Bad restaurants are usually pretty obvious:

The staff absolutely refuses to eat there.

You can see the cook coughing over the stove.

The staff picks food off the floor and puts it back on the plate. They believe in the 5 second rule.

Health inspectors are afraid to go in there.

Rats and bugs go there to die.

There are fly strips hanging down from the ceiling all over the place and they are all full.

The company mascot is air borne bacteria.

Raisins in the raisin bread move.

Complimentary bread is listed on the bill.

The restaurant has an "order it before it goes past the expiration date" special. Or the worse one "order it now since it is past the expiration date" special.

Cosmetic items normally found in purses can be found it the soup and salad. The restaurant calls it a gift with purchase.

The restaurant has pictures on the wall of all the people who survived eating there and there are only 3 pictures.

The view from the upper level overlooks the dump next door.

Their claim to fame is that a chef lost his hand cooking for you.

The staff walks around in a daze complaining they have the munchies and start eating off your plate while it is in front of you.

The waiter/waitress complains how tired their "dogs" are and place their feet up on your table to let them air out.

comments always welcome.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Job hunting is great! Really, really great!

Job hunting is similar to a dog chasing his/her tail. You keep running around in a circle trying to get the job and just when you get it, you wonder why you did that. I am not even going to look at the job hunt right now, where a person makes hundreds of resumes, fills out numerous applications and is generally ignored by the companies they are looking at (HR departments will not even talk to you anymore if you call them. The don't call us rule is very important to them). Let us move on to the all important job interview. Today the job interview is much like being interrogated by the police.

They put you in a small room with a thin table and two chairs. The interviewer sits across from you and opens a folder, a folder with your name on it. Then the interrogation (or, as they call it, the interview) begins.

The bad part is when the interviewer leans back in his chair and lights up a cigarette. Sure you could mention that they should not be smoking but then the interviewer says "Oh, so you are one of those people.". Then you have to let them smoke since you don't want to be one of those people since they are the ones who never get hired. Or, if they do get hired, they are given the cubicle next to the bathrooms.

Some of the interview questions are really traps. Like the one they lead off with. "Tell me about yourself.". Sure, they say that but they really don't want to know about you. Cause when you do start to tell them about yourself (I mean the whole honest truth, not the clean, sanitized version of what they want you to be) the folder gets closed and the interviewer starts banging on the door, pleading for someone to let them out. I cannot tell you how many times that has happened to me.

Another question they ask is why do you want this job. This is another example where the truth will do you absolutely no good. Telling them you need a paycheck does not impress the interviewer. Even if you mask your answer in humor ("Well, my rents not going to pay itself" or "Cause no one else would hire me") does you no good. All they want to hear is that this is a fantastic company and you have been dreaming of working for them since you were three years old.

Another question they ask is "So what are your weak points?". I answer by saying none. I am perfect the way I am and this company would be darn lucky to have me. So far no one has believed me when I say this. I don't know why.

Comments are welcome.