Saturday, July 28, 2012

Things I can live without

People say a lot of things. People say a lot of things everyday. The downside is having to hear some of the things people say everyday. There are quite a few I can live without ever hearing again. Below is a brief list that drives me to distraction. I have yet to figure out why people say these things everyday.

1) It is the best thing ever! You have to read this book or watch this movie. 1st, I do not have to do anything of this sort. Telling me I have to do something is not the best way to start any sentence. 2nd, really? The best ever? I have heard this statement repeatedly and hate it since, invariably, the thing the person is promoting is never the best thing ever. Usually it is not even very good. That is not to say there is not good material out there. There is even great material out there but I have yet to see the best thing ever. How would I even know when something is the best thing EVER? How would you?

2) Political ads (which should be enough of a statement by itself) which do not state what the candidate actually believes in. The ad tells us what their opponent did/did not do. I want to hear what  you stand for or believe in. Remember in school when they told you to let Johnny worry about Johnny. Apply that rule here. Run a campaign about yourself. I will still ignore it but I will respect you more for it.

3) People who sniff something and then try to get me to smell it. I saw when your head snapped back since it smelled terrible and heard  you say how bad it smelled so there is really no need for you to thrust that item at me with the statement that I need to smell it. I don't. I really don't,

4) The phrase "hot enough for ya?". Do you see me sweating from the heat? Let that be your sign that yes, it is indeed hot enough for me. Oh, no, sweating is no indication that it is hot enough. This is just like asking if blaring music is too loud. If you ask that question and someone responds "What?" because they cannot hear you over the music than it is too loud.

5) Commercials that ask "Don't you deserve the best?" or something else along those lines. You don't know me. I might like mediocrity. Also, millions of people could be hearing this ad. Do they all deserve the best?

6) Being told there is someone out there for everyone. That is such a myth and yet people tend to keep saying it. Like this is any sort of comfort. How do you know someone is out there for me? If you do know that, where are they? If you are going to start that sentence by telling me there is someone out there for me have the decency to tell me where. Suppose they died a long time ago. What good does that do me? Oh, sure there is a perfect person for you but they died 300 years ago. Well, thank goodness I know that now since it means I can stop looking.That ends my pesky problem of hoping someone will accept me for who I am.

7) The question "Do you think I'm right". If someone asks this they do not want to hear the answer no. This is a question that is only looking for validation and nothing else. Try saying this the next time you hear the question. "No, you are wrong. In the history of mankind, no one has ever been wronger. They could write a 10 volume set of why you are so wrong. They could teach classes about how wrong you are. I am disgusted with how wrong you are. Why would you even think that you might be right? What has happened in your life that led you so astray that you would ever think the slightest bit of  your opinion has any possibility of being right?"

8) Are you a cat or dog person? Your discriminatory boundaries sicken me! How dare you try to define me by such a narrow category! What happened to lizards, rodents and birds? Are you a bacon or Canadian ham person? Do you like your peanut butter chunky or smooth? This is just another way to create class warfare.

9) "The heart wants what the heart wants" and "Haters gonna hate". My, what lovely excuses for bad behavior. Why not just say "Serial killers gonna serial kill". When did we decide to excuse bad behavior with pithy statements? Go rob banks with the first excuse. Call out at work and use that excuse. Tell your supervisor that you could come into work but your heart doesn't feel like it and the heart wants what the heart wants. Hope your heart wants to be on the unemployment line.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Wedding Daze

Why do weddings have so many terms in common with mental institutions? Commitment and institution are two of the bigger ones.  Why is it man and wife and not husband and wife? Also, why do men only have Mr. and women have Ms, Miss, and Mrs.? Are fathers so desperate that they have to give their daughter away? It is her wedding day. Obviously someone wants to take her.
Months of careful planning about where to place the centerpieces, how much shrimp will Uncle Johnny eat, how far the mother-in-law can be seated from the bride and how to pick out the most unattractive fabric for bridesmaid dresses. Brides are ready to scream on this particular day (perfectly natural) and it is now legal for brides to kill on their wedding day in 14 states.
The Bride is under a lot of stress today. Months of planning have culminated in a single day that she will remember for the rest of her life. The groom is just there because she told him to be. Usually the guy does not do much of the wedding planning so this particular day is the best time to criticize. Tell her that the flowers are terrible, the bridesmaid dresses are hideous and that the minister is drunk. Whatever you do, don’t tell her in person. Call her cell and tell her. Remember she has the right to kill today (and will). If you have never seen a bride running in a wedding dress wielding a large knife, you will today after that call. No one will even attempt to stop her. They will be sitting and wondering what the groom did to make her mad.

The whole event is a kaleidoscope of colors. From the basic black and white of the bride and groom to the array of colors you seen on the people coming to watch the spectacle to the display of colorful flowers. Helpful hint: Don’t ever suggest to the bride that white is a bold color choice based on her history with men.

Flowers add a lot to a wedding; allergic reactions, bees, etc. Why are flowers so popular? I blame the florists. Later, someone will say how beautiful the flowers were right before the flowers get thrown into the trash.

Brides can be frightening things on this day. I myself am terrified of a raging bride but I am still going to make a list (and for those who have read earlier posts, you know what is coming next).

As the bride walks by say (real loudly) that her dress is pretty and reach out to feel the fabric. Get a good handful and carefully stroke it. Brides loved being grabbed as they walk down the aisle. Trust me.

When the minister says “speak now or forever hold your peace” cough once. Just once and do not say anything else.
Instead of saying “Release the doves” say “Release the Kraken!” See how many people get that reference. Bonus points if you have an actual Kraken to release!

Who (and why) made the Chicken Dance? Why do they hate the human race?

Slip around the back and change the music to the Baha Men’s song “Who let the Dogs out?” Classy weddings have organ music. Switching the sheet music is a necessity. Slip in “American Pie” or “Smells like Teen Spirit”. Heck, one might even throw in the chase music from the “Benny Hill” while the bride is walking down the aisle. Get that party rocking! Sure, the party hasn’t started yet as this is the actual ceremony but don’t let that stop you.

Important note: Apparently it is bad form to bring beer to the church and crack open the can during the ceremony. Speaking of bad form you are expected to wear certain attire and a T-shirt that reads “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free” is not appreciated.
Guys, fight for the bouquet. When women tell guys men cannot catch the bouquet just say “Equal rights”. Equality should work both ways. If a guy feels that catching a bunch of flowers is going to help him get married so be it.
No, I do not get invited to second weddings. Yes, I am shocked when I am invited the first time.

Push the bride too far and they have the right to grab the nearest silverware to attack and maim if need be. The sun glinting off the blade is so pretty.  One good way to drive the bride crazy is to tell fictional stories about bridal behavior. Fill the story with lots of sordid details. Watch the bride’s mother say “Oohhh” before passing out. Listen as one guy stands up and goes “Yeah, Baby” or “I knew that was you!”

No, I have never been married. The above may be a good example of why a woman has never walked down the aisle with me. Probably a wise choice on their part.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Haters and Trolls

I have seen an overwhelming number of hateful, hurtful comments issued towards those who work on the creative side of things; People who cosplay, post videos on the Internet about topics such as female roles in various media, or make humorous videos that can been seen on You Tube. These people have come under attack from individuals who are now referred to as “haters” or “trolls”. I am not sure whether the increased number of attacks means more people are doing it or I have become more aware of this situation.

 I am cranky, grumpy and sarcastic. Anyone who has spent more than five minutes with me can tell you this. Even still I would never suggest a person should die, get raped or go through some other physically violent, socially inappropriate behavior. I am baffled by those who think this would be acceptable to say anywhere. Try telling your supervisor at work that you hope one of those things happens to them and see how they react. I can guarantee it will not be positive.

Anita Serkeesian is one such person who has been verbally attacked for daring to point out women are not always portrayed well in games, movies and television. Reportedly the responses included death threats over her Kickstarter project. Her work can be seen at  These attacks on her represent a clear problem with parts of the gaming society. The negativity has resulted in more people showing support for her and her work.

Another example is one that hits closer to home for me. I like cosplay and while I have never donned a costume at a convention I am fascinated by the amount of work people put into what they wear. Since I do not make costumes I have no right to criticize those who do. Lucid Cosplay crafted a response to negative comments at

A lot of time goes into making good costumes; sewing, metal work, fastening, etc. If I don’t like a costume I don’t take a picture of it and I take a lot of pictures. My Facebook page is full of pictures from conventions. My personal feeling is that if I am not willing to try it than I cannot make fun of those who do.

Another things that bothers me is the statement “haters gonna hate”. That is patently absurd. This expression is just another way for people to excuse bad behavior. Haters are going to choose to hate. Nasty comments and threats are not a biological imperative. These statements and comments are not needed to guarantee an individual’s survival.  Yes, I have told people that my sarcasm is mandatory, that I cannot help it but my sarcasm never threatened a person’s life and yes, the sarcasm is not really necessary. It is a choice.

There is no way to avoid negativity if you are in the public eye. Posting pictures on any of the many different sharing sites is now part of the public eye. People are not going to like things they see. I do not like reality TV as it does not put people in the best light. I have suggested many things such as the shows do not need to be on the air. I have not and will not ever suggest that the people in these shows should be attacked.

If you do not like something, fine. People are not going to like everything. That is natural. Instead of attacking find a better way to respond. Rape, murder and name calling are not good ways to communicate. Saying nothing at all is better than that. There are critics everywhere. People criticize things constantly. Movie reviews. Book reviews. They are in magazines, newspapers, TV and the Internet. Professional reviewers do not threaten the people they are criticizing. If a critic does not like a movie they do not personally attack the director or cast. They discuss the movie, the performances and technical aspects of the film.

If you feel the need to criticize, fine. People are always going to do that. Do not mask personal attacks as criticism. They are not the same thing. What “trolls” or “haters” are doing is spiteful and not meant to express an opinion but to denigrate an idea or a person. No one will like everything but that does not give someone the right to attack.