Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Conversations with my 1 year old cats

Cat: It is dinner time. You have to feed me since it is part of the social contract.

Me: Wait. You know what a social contract is but when I tell you to get off the table, you act like you don't know understand I am saying.

Cat: Tonight, at 1 A.M., your measuring tape dies.

 Me: What?

 Cat: I didn't say anything.

Cat: By the way, I maxxed out your credit card last night.

 Me: What?
Me: Okay, cats, I don't know which one of you drew the chalk outline around me while I slept last night but that is not funny!

Me: Cat, what do you want for Christmas?

 Cat: I want to be a Sith Lord.

 Me: You already are.

 Cat: What's that?

 Me: I didn't say anything.
Cat: Give me a potato chip.

 Me: I am not giving you a chip.

 Cat: You will rue this day, hooman, rue this day.
Cats: What's up? Whatzz up? Sup? Wat up?

 Me: Okay, that's enough.

 Cats: Hooman?

 Me: Yes?

 Cats: WASSUP!
I thought it was very sweet that my cat gave me a hug.

Until I found my wallet was missing.
Cat: What is the chemical composition of salt?

 Me: Sodium Chloride. NaCL.

 Cat: Okay, thank you.

 Me: Wait, what?
I hate coming into a room to hear my female cats singing "He had it coming" from the musical Chicago.

Mainly cause I am the only he they know.
I regret putting my cats on my friends and family plan. I also regret giving them their own phones.

They keep texting me at 3 A. M. with their selfies from the living room.
Me: Okay, cats, which of you used the printer to make fliers reading "Human for sale. Low offers welcomed."
Cat: Gimme a cat treat.

 Me: Not now, later.

 Cat: Gimme a cat treat now or I show your mother what you have been looking at on the web!

Craig Ferguson exits

There is a month left until Craig Ferguson completes his 10 year run as the host of "The Late Late Show." I, for one, am going to miss him. While I have not watched every episode and while I have not watched half of all the episodes, I have watched many and was amused by his deconstructionist approach to the talk show. One particular downside to his departure is that I will never be a guest on his talk show (my bucket list will be incomplete).

I rarely watch talk shows as it just seems like they are softball questions for the guest or only to promote their newest thing. Which is okay since that is the purpose of most talk shows. Not this show. He rarely discusses what the individual is there to promote. He takes a different approach where the guests never know where he is going to lead them.

Here are some things he did differently that made his show like no other talk show on TV.

Gay robot skeleton sidekick

A not a real horse.

"It's a great day for America."

Interaction with the audience by bringing some on stage.

Positioning his desk so it is not between him and his guest.

Trinkets on his desk.

Self healing fireplace.

The monologue was rarely prepared material.

He brought on people who are not seen in many other places such as scientists and stars who aren't seen much anymore like Don Rickles and Carl Reiner.

He tells guest how fantastic they look (no matter what they are wearing).

Ripping up the blue notecards.

"Fancy an awkward pause?"

The time he realized his mocking people may actually be hurtful to the people since he doesn't know what struggles they are going through (This was revealed in a monologue concerning Kevin Costner).

I think my favorite moment from this show is the Christmas episode with Kristen Bell and Wolfgang Puck (years ago). They were cooking duck and her reaction when they tried to get her to do something with the dead duck still makes me laugh.

For all these reasons and many more I am going to miss seeing him.

Blacklist villains you will not see

There is a show on NBC called The Blacklist which has a new villain appearing weekly with a number and a title (they discover the bad guys real name later). I watch this show. I enjoy this show. But not everyone can be villainous enough to be a number on the Blacklist (which the FBI hunts down every week).

Here are some villains that did not make the cut:

The Sad Sack.

The Hamster Whisperer.

The Balloon Animal Man.

The Human Yardstick.

The Partially Tattooed Man.

The Uneven Earlobes Woman.

The Can't Find My Keys Man.

The Glass Half Full Woman.

The Bad Sunburn.

The Chews With Mouth Open.

The Shusher.

The Living on a Pension Retiree.

The Awkward Pause.

The Kiss and Tell.

The Finger Licker.

The Cotton Candy Machine Repairperson.

Friday, November 14, 2014

animal rights

One thing that confuses (actually more like disgusts) me about people is how little rights animals have in this world. Like if an animal bites a person, the animal is put down. But if a human bites an animal, it is considered odd but the human is not put down.

An animal that kills a human is executed. A human kills an animal, a fine at the most. A human kills another human-10 years in jail (possibly more, possibly less).

Why do animal lives have so little value?

Some people say humans are superior since they use humans can think and use logic.

Being able to use logic is no reason to consider humans superior. Reason, logic, or whatever else people want to say makes us superior also makes us the race that continually kills other parts of our race over religion or politics or love or imaginary borders. We are the ones who destroy entire species just because. We are the species that build nuclear reactors that have destroyed large parts of the world. We are the ones who have made bombs that can destroy every living thing on Earth. Just because we can.

No, not superior.

Others might say it is because animals don't have souls.

How do you know animals don't have souls? How do we know people do?

Some say people have souls because they know right from wrong. Well, many people do the wrong things all the time. Does that mean they are soulless? If so, then they don't have souls so are some people superior to others?

The whole right and wrong thing is so arbitrary that it cannot actually be defined. It changes from culture to culture, society to society. People are not born knowing right from wrong. They are taught it. To say right and wrong is to imply certain values on animals that they do not need or care about. Animals have their own codes. Look at how animals play or defend each other. They have their own set of standards.

Perhaps people have souls since they act differently, have different personalities which souls allow for. This is a flawed argument since, if you have had pets, you know they behave differently, have their own little quirks which make them unique. Yes, they have some shared behaviors just like people have some shared behaviors.

Animals should have the same, if not more, rights that people do.

Animals are not the ones stripping the world of natural resources.

Animals are not the ones growing at an exponential rate and taking up natural resources at an alarming rate.

Animals are the ones who are in danger of going extinct due to the population growth of humans.

Animals are the ones who are kept in zoos to be stared at, who are taken from their natural environment, and are believed to be kept safe from the dangers humans pose n these artificial, and much smaller, locations.

Animals are not the ones who create fighting arenas where animals are pitted against each other.

We need to look at how we treat animals and realize that cruelty (in any form) sets us below other species. Some animals become vicious because we make them vicious. We put animals to sleep because there are too many of them. There are too many humans. When do some of them start getting put to sleep?

How come no one ever states that we need to help control the human population by having people spayed or neutered?

Animals have as much right to live peacefully on this world as humans. Some people would disagree with this because they are "smarter" than animals.

Trust me, we are not. More destructive but not smarter.

Friday, November 7, 2014

not every man...

"Not every man is like that."

This is how some men respond to the stories women tell of harassment from men.

The statement is true. Not every man is like that.

The problem is, which the statement also makes abundantly clear, is that there ARE men who are like that.

The stories are legion, about how women have to deal with men making unwanted advances towards them whether in an office, on the street, in an elevator, or any number of other places.

Guys also say women should not judge all men based on this since "not all men are like that."

But how can women tell who is and who is not like that?

It is not really clear until the guy opens his mouth and makes some kind of statement.

It would be easier if there were signs. Like scarlet letters. Right on the guy's forehead for the whole world to see. Of course, some guys are so offensive, they would run out of forehead space for all the signs they need.

I have never felt the urge to call out to a women I saw walking down the street, never had the need to whistle at her, never desired to grab some stranger and hold onto her.

Here are more things that not all men are like:








I don't see any men following those adjectives with the phrase "not all men are like that."