Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Good-bye, 2013

2013 in review

2013 is almost over and a lot has gone on during the year. Some of it was good and some of it was bad. I can no more blame the year for the things that happened than I can blame Phil Robertson for having a negative opinion of homosexuals. No, wait--I can blame him for that.

Still, it is not the year's fault for what happened just like 2014 will also contain good and bad that is not the year's responsibility. I am not sure if the year has any responsibility for anything besides having 12 months. Do you think lazy years might slack off and only have 10 months?

Anyway, here are some things that happened over the year.

I continued writing this blog. People continued to ignore it.

I went to Katsucon again.

When I returned from Katsucon I was informed that the FYE (For Your Entertainment, a music and movie store). I worked at was closing down. Nothing like returning from a convention of fun to be told that your job will be over in a month.

The school year ended and I was out of work for the summer.

I was accepted to grad school.

I moved to Georgia which enabled me to get away from an abusive, angry roommate (angry enough to threaten to kill me, kill my cats, and burn down the place we were living one afternoon).

I lost Blackberry right before the move. I adopted him when he was a 5 week old kitten back in 2003 and he would not be going to Georgia with me. It really hurts that he died two days before I moved.

I adopted Midnight and Spider in October. I have never had a pair of female kittens before. I am trying to convince my 10-year-old cat that he is their father.

I started grad school for archiving and began working on a program for medical coding.

I attended Dragon*Con again. I was supposed to photograph a mini shoot at the huge Marvel group but Allan Hansard gave that job to someone else that day.

I attended AWA (Anime Weekend Atlanta) for the first time.

I met many new people. I annoyed many new people.

I drove 10 hours from Georgia to DC without a break other than stopping for gas. I really cannot tell you how great it is to drive that long without resting. Don't do it.

I am not sure if 2013 had any lessons to be learned but even if it did, I am going to be like Calvin, from "Calvin and Hobbes", and refuse to find out.

Sunday, December 22, 2013


President Obama is getting a lot of heat about his health care program. I think it is flawed in that it says everyone has to have insurance. It should be focusing on those who cannot afford insurance getting insurance. Insurance is a pricey expense and many cannot afford the monthly rates. The president should not be forcing those who do not want insurance to get policies but help those who want it but cannot afford it.

He has been blamed for many things since the whole thing started and I am going to continue the blame game.

It is his fault that several Hollywood starlets have had wardrobe malfunctions or the dreaded nip slip. Not that I mind the nip slip since it gives my life purpose and direction and something to root for at Hollywood events. "Come on, nip slip. Daddy needs to see it." Yes, calling out daddy while hoping to see skin is creepy. I know this.

It is his fault that Dori and I have not used Skype in some time. I don't know how but it is.

It is his fault that reality TV is still prevalent on the networks. I really hate him for this.

It is his fault that Europe has converted to using the Euro and not the dollar. Or that we are not using the Euro. Or that there is even a Euro.

It is his fault that cats are attracted to laser light pointers. He made them this way.

It is his fault for twerking. That's right. I said it. Obama is to blame for twerking.

It is his fault Jennifer Love Hewitt married someone other than me. What was he thinking?

It is his fault that finger and toe nails fly all over the place when you clip them. This is why people should wear protective eye gear when working on the nails.

It is his fault Maggie shot Mr. Burns.

It is his fault that they are remaking so many movies in Hollywood and not just making new ones. It is a disgusting trend. I mean they are remaking "Robocop" and the original is not even that old. Come on, Hollywood (and by Hollywood, I mean Obama) let's get original.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

One day for all of us


It’s coming.

It’s coming for me and you.

I don’t get very upset about this since it is going to happen no matter what I want. This is why I never understand why some people are so afraid of it.

It is not that I want to die. I just don’t care because it is going to happen. I just really hope that my death is natural (or unnatural) and not one that ends up on the Darwin list like the guy who put his arm up a vending machine, got stuck, and ended up pulling the machine over on top of himself. Idiot.

Now I know that funerals are for the living since the dead really don’t care what happens after they are dead. I mean, as far as I know, no corpse has sat up in its coffin during the ceremony and declared “What, this is all the turnout I get?”

When my time comes and people are subjected to my funeral (I will be there in spirit only) I plan to have invisible strings pull me up, have me start doing frog kicks, and singing “Hello, my baby. Hello, my darling.” Yes, I know I have said this before but it bears repeating. Not to Byron (a former manager who was horrified by some of the things I did and said) who did not see the humor in this but it still makes me laugh when I think of the sheer panic this will cause. I expect to cause fainting, screaming, and a stampede to the exit. People who tell the story can end it with “And that kids is how Al was finally laid to rest. We burned the body just to make sure he was really dead. You can never tell with him.”

Why do people wait until now to say “Bless his heart?” It is a little bit late for that, since you know they are beyond caring and have reached their afterlife, whatever that it.  And, if there is an afterlife, is there a pre-life? A place where people sit around and discuss what they are going to do when it is their turn to be born?

Also, why do they use the phrase “in loving memory?” Whose memory are we talking about here? I bet there are plenty of people who do not remember the deceased fondly.  I bet there are several people in attendance who would like nothing better than to curse at the body.

What cracks me up are that people will tell stories about the deceased and people will nod and say “Yep, that sounds like Bob” no matter the story being told. Like “I remember one summer where Bob was drunk off of pixie dust and hard apple cider. He spent every day squatting on the ground, making chicken noises while wearing a tuxedo. Sometimes he would declare he was a penguin. Other times he would climb to the roof of the barn and declare he was a Bald Eagle gone wild. That was also the summer he ate those wild mushrooms and ran about town, kissing every woman and calling her Lucy Liu, Mama Cass, or Lou Ferrigno. I miss the days when he would sit on my head and tell me of his boy hood dreams of being a woman’s purse. “

“Here are some other things you may not know about Bob. He was one quarter hedgehog on his father’s side.”

“He believed that ice cream should only come in one flavor, Turtle.”

“Kittens as mittens were a few of his favorite things…to wear during the lean and cold months.”

“He told me 16 times that bananas weren’t just for eating. He always told me that with a wink.”
People will nod and say that sounds like Bob even if they never witnessed any of these events.

At funerals, some people stand in a line as others walk by and say “sorry for your loss.” How come no one ever says that to the corpse? They have are suffering a loss as well. They lost their life. What would make that awesome is if someone actually said that to the body and the corpse responded, “I’m sorry too!”

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

By the numbers

So here are some startling facts about things I have noticed.     

                More people do not read this blog than do. That is a terrible statistic and it horrifies me but it is true.

                63% of Americans have admitted to wearing sandals at one time. That is a horrible statistic. Also, 14% of people have worn sandals and black socks together. Those 14% just look stupid. If you want to cover your feet, just put on a pair of shoes.

                3% of cats think they are better than humans. The other 97% KNOW they are better than humans. 100% of cats love you more when you have something they want like turkey or chicken or anything that smells delicious.

                99% of the people I know pretend they don’t know me. The other 1% are in training.

                Breakfast bowls have over 100% of your daily recommended cholesterol allowance. That means one serving is all the cholesterol you need for a whole day. It means you cannot eat anything else that contains cholesterol. Thanks, breakfast bowls.

                98% of Americans have stepped on the crack and broken their mother’s back. 72% of these mothers have sued and won. The other 28% sued and lost.

                4 out of 5 dentists do not want me in their offices. The fifth dentist realized that the amount of work needing to be done can pay his kid’s college education.

                100% more people use the internet than those who lived 100 years ago.

                18% of the people I know believe I am a horrible, horrible person. In other news, 82% of the people I know are wrong.

                1 out of every 1,000 people has been brutally attacked by flying fish. There are now support groups for these individuals as they try to put their lives back together.

                32% of gynecologists are male. In a related story 32% of gynecologists shouldn’t be trusted.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

texting pictures

Now I have been hearing a lot about people sending other people pictures of various parts of their bodies.

Apparently men are sending women candid shots of their junk and it is not even just Joe Public that does it but politicians too (and if they do it, it must be okay...).

I don't see the point of this because women (especially women you are not in a relationship with) are going to have one of two reactions. First, they are going to be annoyed or disgusted. Two, they are going to be amused (which, I am guessing, is not the reaction that guys want). Women laughing (and then calling over their friends to see it--Joan, come here. You have to see this itty bitty thing...) is not quite the expected reaction. I would never send anything since people never want anything from me except to leave which gets thunderous applause.

Guys, on the other hand, would love to get candid shots from women. Reactions would be one of joy that some women showed her breasts. I would mention other parts but guys aren't that bright and would spend an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out what it is a picture of.

"Hey, Vern, I just got a picture text. I think it is a fur coat but am not sure. What do you think it is?"
"It looks like a set of mittens."
"Oh, right, that makes sense. I see it now."
Like I said, guys are stupid.

It would be really bad if you get all excited that some woman sent you a private photo and in your excitement share it with your friends before realizing your mom was the sender (Dad needed a pick me up cause he was having a bad day). At this point, you have seen it. Your friends have seen it. Anyone nearby has seen it. It is too late to put your eyes out cause even that cannot take the memory away.

One time I did get a series of photos of women au natural. I did not know who any of them were or who the senders (all female according to their profiles. I have come to the conclusion that these were shots of themselves) were (this was on AOL and the three senders all had AOL addresses). Eventually I was able to ask one of them why I was sent the pictures. Her response was to ask "Wait, aren't you a lesbian?"

"Uhm, no, but thank you for the pictures." I never heard from her ever again.

Anyway, guys would never complain (unless the above scenario happened and how would you actually start that conversation with your mother) about getting candid shots. Would they share it with their friends? ABSOLUTELY! The words wowzers and yeehaw would be used repeatedly. And there would be lots of giggling.

In fact, they might text back and ask for some more (which is the opposite of how most women would react unless they text back and ask for some more cause it was the best laugh they have had in some time).

Monday, November 25, 2013

Doctor Who's 50th anniversary special review and questions.

By now most people who are interested have watched the anniversary special and have their opinions about it. If you have not watched it than stop reading and go do something else since reading this could spoil it for you.

Go on then.

Here is one thing that is going to put me at odds with millions of people.

I did not like it very much. Yes, I know it has give the Doctor hope and given him a new purpose. Yes, there were humorous moments like Tennant and the rabbit.

Oh, it was great to see Tennant play the doctor again and seeing him interact with Matt Smith. Seeing Billie Piper again was good too. I just wish Rose Tyler had been in the special.

It was an ambitious episode that brought one of the big events in the Doctor's lives to light. It had great effects. But I found myself with more questions about it after watching it.

With 50 years of history I would have liked to seen more of the characters that made this show great. The episode only contained 1 companion, Clara. There was no Rose, Captain Jack, Mickey, Donna, Martha, etc. to assist the doctor. During the week leading up to the special Billie Piper and Catherine Tate did not do any of the commentaries. The end of David Tennant's run was more exciting for me than this was.

Here are some of the questions/problems I came away with.

1) William Hartnell (the 1st Doctor) said very plainly "You can't change history." Obviously they are going back on that. If history can be changed the Doctor can do it whenever he wants.

2) Paul McGann regenerated into John Hurt so only Eccleston, Tennant and Smith knew about the death of his people. How then did every Doctor suddenly appear around Galifrey to save it? Did the three go back and collect them all, taking time to explain what John Hurt had originally done? That would have taken time and, lets be honest, rather than this, why wouldn't McGann choose a different drink which would have created a different doctor? Simpler than circling Galifrey.

3) Are the Daleks really gone? Wouldn't they have stopped firing when they saw all the TARDISs circling Galifrey? Daleks are not stupid.

4) If the Tower of London was guarded against the Doctor getting in but he did anyhow than how can there be fixed points of time he cannot get to? He could save Amy and Rory. He is choosing not to. This also ties into number 1. History can be changed.

5) Taking away the death of his people is going to alter who the Doctor is. Since Eccleston there has been a darkness in the Doctor where he was torturing himself. It made him work harder to save as many people as he could (due to his guilt over his actions). That is gone now. It is like if Thomas and Martha Wayne had not been shot. Would Bruce Wayne become Batman if his parents had survived? No. That means the Doctor will be different.

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Television and politics

People complain a lot about how the government has failed them and that there are so many problems in our government. That may be true but lets put this in perspective. More people vote on American Idol than in national elections.

More people can name the 13 Doctors in order than can tell you who their state senators are.

Now, I watch a lot of television as well cause, well, TV is more interesting than what goes on in the federal government.

There are ways to improve this.

Every week the senator (or House of Reps) with the least number of votes (based on votes called in by the American public) has to vacate their office No more job security. Make them work for their office. We give the one with the least votes an opportunity to stay if they are willing to fight a lion or bear unarmed.

Have Joss Whedon or George R.R. Martin start scripting for them. That way you will become attached to a senator and then see them get killed off.

Turn it into a Thunderdome. All the senators and representatives go in, one comes out. That person becomes the next president since they are obviously the one who does what they have to.

Install a laugh track.

Every Thursday they are required to do a Benny Hill chase sequence.


Pie slapstick.

Clip shows.

Install a sound track. When an elected official is on their last day "I will Remember you" starts playing.

All problems are solved in 30 minutes.

All politicians must have catch phrases that make people laugh.

Guest appearances to bolster ratings. Who wouldn't want to see Snooki or JWow appear in the Senate?

Elect officials who will serve this country and not their political party or themselves (oops, sorry, wrong list).

Sunday, November 17, 2013


People have a lot of ideas that they feel the need to share and I really wish they wouldn't. Below are some of the things that I have heard.

Hate isn't a family value.
                       Really? Than where to all the kids learn it? I have worked in public schools and know that is not where the kids pick it up. Kids get their racist, phobic of other kinds of people behavior from their families. Just like they get their hair and eye color (unless, of course, mom was having an affair and you are not really their father).

Women are attracted to a sense of humor.
                      Forget everything else and just make her laugh. The thud you hear next will be her panties dropping to the floor. WRONG! They say that but as soon as you get in a relationship with her the next thing she will say is "Will you be serious?" This goes along the lines of "I love you just the way you are. Now change everything about  yourself."

Women and Children first.
                      What if she is that woman from "Wild Things" or the kid from the "Omen" movies? What if there is only one Twinkie left? Besides, doesn't equality mean I don't have to let you go first, that it is perfectly okay if I shove you to the side so I can get on the lifeboat first?

Love means never having to say you're sorry.
                       What relationship are you in? I have never seen a relationship where one person has never apologized to the other. I have never said I am sorry to my significant other but that may be due to the fact I have never had a significant other (and why start now?). Plus, if this were true, than guys in relationships on sitcoms would have nothing to talk about since a majority of their time is spent apologizing to their significant other or trying to prove they are correct (they aren't) and that the S.O. is wrong.

We have started to teach children (like in kids sporting events) everyone who plays is a winner.
                        Excuse me, but no. Just giving kids a trophy for coming out is sending the wrong message. It means there is no point in getting better. "I tried so I won." If you lose, you know to who you lost and you know you have to improve. If this continues kids today are going to expect a lot more from us. Going to a job interview means you get the job. Coming to class means you automatically pass. Playing the lottery means you are an automatic winner. What kind of lesson is this?  Life is about competition and winners and losers. Tell these kids the same thing school coaches have been saying for years--"Walk it off!"

Sunday, October 27, 2013

The Horrors of Christmas Sweaters

Since Halloween is almost here and stores have started decorating for Christmas (forget Thanksgiving, Christmas is the money maker) let me discuss what is the worst gift to give--sweaters.

On a side note, if any one who reads this thinks that Christmas is going to sneak up on them, consider this your warning. Christmas is coming so you cannot use that lie anymore. It is a lie since it is the same day every year. It is not like a ninja holiday that moves around and sneaks up behind you.

Now some people may like getting sweaters and I have only one thing to say to them; what is wrong with you people? They are itchy and fundamentally unattractive (or maybe I am the one who is fundamentally unattractive and bring down their natural beauty...Nah, that can't be it).

I grew up getting sweaters as gifts. Me, who has a very basic wardrobe sense. Seriously, my personal wardrobe consists of a black t-shirt and black jeans. Every day. So I had to fight a long hard battle against the imperialist gift givers who tried forcing sweaters on me. It was an uphill battle but eventually I won. I no longer get sweaters.

Fortunately, the sweater gifts ended when they did since the next step would involve armed conflict. Yes, getting those itchy things would have been justification for war. I hate them so much. They are itchy and send the wrong message about me. You know the message. That I am a jolly man. That is Santa Claus (since we are discussing Christmas. Well, I am. I have no idea what you are doing).

I remember one Christmas when it was like sweater palooza and that is all I got that season. I have never believed it is the thought that counts (unless the thought was to torture me and congratulations, you did well). I let loose with a volley of sarcastic insults that holiday. Women teared up. Men's faces turned red. Parents covered their children's ears. My 8th Christmas was rough. And I did not even turn mean until 13. This was still the nice me.

My 9th Christmas saw me bring a lighter to the festivities. People asked why a 9 year old has a lighter. My parents shrugged and I said (as I flicked the flame) that this is for any and all sweaters that are given to me. Okay, my actual words were "If I get any sweaters, I am going to burn this house down." You cannot imagine how fast those adults started changing the name cards of gifts for me. Funny, no one challenged me what I said that.

Eventually these people got the idea. It took a lot but they eventually stopped the horror. Of course, Christmas was tainted for me. This is why, when I worked in retail, that I would carry a metal rod with me during December when people got crazy desperate and when people made a move toward me, I would brandish the rod and tell them they need to back up. I also added some colorful language between 'back' and 'up'.

Yeah, I know, I am a real charmer.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Reasons for dating

So I have not dated anyone in a really long time and that is okay. Better than okay. It is expected and appreciated. But back in the day I did date and there were many reasons why someone should date me. The top 10 are listed below in no particular order.

1) You lost a bet with God. I do not know why you would make a bet with God but hey, I am getting something out of it so okay.

2) You are really mad at the world and want to punish it. I don't think the world really cares that you are mad but okay.

3) You are doing charity work. Sure, this will put you in good with Heaven since, you know, a life of suffering increases the odds of getting into Heaven.

4) You are just that drunk.

5) The court gave you two options, the roadside work program or dating me. The only benefit to me is that it is only one night. Sure the night feels like it lasts for weeks but you don't have to wear that horrible orange. I cannot tell you the number of women who, halfway through the date, called out that they have changed their mind and want to go to the roadside program.

6) You are on new medications and think that I am a side effect of the pills.

7) You are dating me to show your ex that you can do worse.

8) It is a pity date since you feel so bad for me. I have nothing against these. I have been on a few of these. The only downside comes when I ask "Since this was a pity date, are you going to pity sleep with me?" She laughs before giving me a serious look "NO!"

9) You are punishing your parents (or anyone who might be considered a parent).

10) What's that? Did you say maybe someone actually WANTS to date me? Apparently you have lost all touch with reality. Wants to date me? Why not just ask the sun to wink at you?