Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Take a holiday.

This country is obsessed with holidays. Trees get a holiday, the flag gets a holiday and lovers get a holiday. Where is the holiday for those of us who are not in a relationship and do not have children? We need candy too. A little recognition would be nice--"Hey, thanks for not breeding. We really appreciate it.".

You just mention the word holiday and banks, along with the post office, close down. Even in the middle of the week. You go into a bank and utter the word holiday and all of a sudden the tellers are running for the door, the manager is closing up the safe and the guard is locking the doors. Mail carriers drop their bags when the word is mentioned and they shout out for anyone to take what they want from the mail sack.

I am tired of people trying to add new holidays all the time. What do we need another one for? Do we need the stores to have additional sales on items we don't need or want? "Honey, look, they drop the price of the broken picture frames by 2 cents!" "I can't believe it! Buy every one they have!". The sad part is consumerism has gotten out of hand. Plus, with every holiday, government offices close down. Do we need the government to take more time off of work?

It is great that holidays mean another sale. It is not even specific sales anymore. Veterans day sales are for everyone, not just the actual veterans. We need to fix that and show true appreciation to our military by giving 5% off cheese products at the local sale. The sales are not even about the people we are celebrating anymore.

If we are going to have more holidays, make it very specific.  Like a holiday for people who drive tan Chevy Cavaliers with Ross Perot bumper stickers or one for cats whose names are "Killer" of "Muffy". I threw in the last one since I think that name would cause suffering for the cat and they need a break.

And enough with all the parades. Parades block up the streets so I cannot drive down main streets since people want to stand on the curb and wave flags at a car dressed up like a frog passes slowly in front of them. If people want to stand on a frog car in a frog costume and wave at people, that is their business but don't take away my right to drive manically down city streets. I suppose the odd part is people have frog costumes and are just wanting for events like this.

And don't tell me that holidays and parades are as American as apple pie. How is apple pie American? Don't Germans have apple pie? Don't they have it in South America? Why have we declared it American? Shouldn't we say it is worldly as apple pie?

Comments always welcome.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Stop saying that!

There are certain phrases that need to stop being used. Right now!

"What's shaking, Bacon?" Why are we calling someone Bacon? Is using a meat product as a name for someone appropriate. Can we call people Spam or Filet Mignon? Sure, it rhymes but is that a valid reason to do it?

When someone asks you how you alone are doing, do not say "We are fine.". There is no we there. You are a single person. Sure, there may be multiple people in your head who need to have their own voice but now is not the time to reveal you have multiple personalities.

"Beauty is only skin deep but ugly goes clear to the bone!". Yes, I get it. I am not attractive. Now can we move on?

"Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey". Cute. Apparently in the name of rhyming we have lost the ability to use real words. "My Name is Earl" had a worse version with "Wakey, wakey, hands off snakey.". It made it worse since that was an older brother saying it to the younger. I have said many things but I would never say that to a family member. Probably not to anyone. This would involve commenting on somebody's personal business. Plus it would indicate that I am in a position to see this and I shudder at the thought of it.

"You're a chip off the old block." Is the old block decaying and rusting away so that little parts are breaking or flaking away? What if the old block is repugnant? Would you want to be a chip of that block? What if the old block is ashamed of the new block and wants no part of the new one? Can the old block deny any part of him making the new block? "You got that from your mother's block, I know you did not get from a chip of me!"

"He was a quiet man, never really bothered anyone" in reference to reporters speaking to the neighbors/friends of someone accused/convicted of a horrible crime. Isn't this now a cliche. I want to hear the truth--"He was crazy. I would have reported him to the police but I was scared for my life. I once saw him eat a dog whole. Just picked it up and put the whole thing in his mouth. You could still hear it barking and I don't mean one of them small yapping breeds. It was a Great Dane!". Of course one might have to question the validity of this statement.

The question what do you think when you don't really want the answer. "What do you think about this dress?"
"I think it is horrible and cannot believe you spent money on it. The color scheme is terrible and it obviously does not fit. I think my soul died a little bit just by looking at it." The results of this answer lead back to the previous paragraph just replace he with she.

"I just threw up a little bit in my mouth." Thanks for sharing. I always want to know when someone does that.
So now you have a kissable mouth.

The phrase too much information, TMI. I never let it get to this point. When someone starts to tell me things I don't need to know, I just say "Stop talking to me." Or I just walk away. Rude, possibly but since you do not have the courtesy to filter what you are saying to me, I am not going to stand there and listen to the story about how you learned to turn from an innie to an outie.

Comments always welcome.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

what kind of person...

I hate it when someone asks if I am a dog person or a cat person. I find that question to be limiting and discriminatory. What if someone prefers hamsters, reptiles, armadillos or short necked giraffes? I hate to think that my whole character is defined by what sort of animal I prefer. Shouldn't the cat be listed first? It comes first in the dictionary. Why does the dog get top billing?

Oh, you're a dog person. Well, that means you must be loyal and trustworthy.If that is the case then this person is probably good at fetching and making loud noises when someone walks/drives by their house.

A cat person is someone who independent and aloof. So do these people also spend most of the day sleeping and clean themselves with their tongue?

People have spent a great deal of time and money studying what it means to be a cat or a dog person. Is this what science has come to? Forget studying how to be better people or how to handle all the problems we have in the world today. Study what characteristics make up cat or dog people! It is nice that we have such high priorities. I wonder if people who spend their time doing these studies really think of themselves as scientists or if they are doing really important work. The future of mankind rests on this study!

Why do we keeping giving our characteristics animal names? Camel toe, pigeon-holed, cowlick, lion's share, doe eyed, sheepish, stinkbug eye, smelling something fishy, eating crow, bird brained, proud as a peacock, eagle eyed, wolfish grin, pig headed, bull headed and dumb bunny. It makes the animals look bad. Do animals use the word human to describe certain actions or characteristics? Is human a bad word in their languages?

How is it that it is okay to hit an animal with a car and leave it by the side of the road, no consequences or repercussions for the careless driver but it is not okay to hit a person? Don't animals deserve the same courtesy as people do? Streets nowadays are big kill zones for animals. Try to cross the street and get hit by someone not paying attention. You hit a person with a car and you can go to jail. Hit an animal and get told "Woo Wee, you smacked that thing good!". At least people understand that a car is dangerous to be hit by. Animals have no idea of what a car is or the danger of being hit by one. Driving-just another way people are destroying the wildlife.

One thing that gets me about cats is that they get active at night. I am trying to sleep and they decide to play games such as who can stick their whole  head in my mouth (I snore or so I have been told) while I sleep. I don't like the idea of the cats playing with me while I am sleeping or that they are shedding when the cats play this game. I hate waking up when I start to cough up a hairball.

Saturday, June 18, 2011


I will get back to love and all the troubles that that idea causes me.

I want to take a look at flying. I am so tired about people complaining about flying today. People keep talking about the new security measures, the lack of food and how airlines are violating their rights. Guess what? The airlines are not violating anything. Show me where people have the right not to be patted down before boarding an airplane. I know that it is not in the Constitution since I cannot imagine them writing that little addendum hundreds of years ago.

You want to get on a plane? Well, the pat down is now part of the price of admission. People who enlist in the military expect to go through boot camp. Travellers should expect to have a stranger check out their bodies. If it really bothers you this much then pretend you really enjoy the pat down. Really, really enjoy it. "Yes, yes, up a little higher, right there. Now faster, faster, Yes YES YES!" That will stop the agent. Of course, other people will hear this and someone will say "I want that agent to pat me down!".

We don't have any rights when we cross the airport. All we have are things they let us do and things they do to us. If you don't like it, you can always drive their or take a train. The plane is more convenient and a faster way to get there. So you have to do what they want. Their house, their rules.As George Carlin said "We don't have rights, we have privileges."

Why are the people who complained about the quality of food on flights now the same ones who are complaining that there is no more food served on flights. People need to be able to eat bland, mass produced food? I am glad the food is gone since it gives the flight attendant more time to focus on more important things such as getting the hot towels to just the right temperature or to make sure that I have  a pair of defective headphones so I don't have to hear the movie.

One thing I don't like is the door that separates the pilots from the passengers. Now I know this door is a necessity since pilots don't need to be bothered by John Q. Public but I don't like that it locks from the inside. What if one pilot is a hemophiliac and cuts himself so he bleeds profusely and the other co-pilot cannot stand the sight of blood. The co-pilot passes out and then who is flying the plane. No one.

Or what if the two pilots decide to join the mile high club in that little room? Sure, it is great for them but what about the rest of us who are going to die without getting some pleasure?

Speaking about the mile high club, we never seem to hear about this anymore. I miss it. I think it should come back. I mean who does not want to get two people into a narrow room only meant for one. Now it should be you have to do it with a flight attendant, pilot or the Air Marshall. That should up the difficulty level and would allow the people to use the good bathroom the crew gets. Come on, you know that the crew does not use that little bathroom assigned to the passengers. Theirs has leg room and seat warmers.

Or better yet, why not have airlines add this as an extra service. When you are buying the ticket there should be a place where they ask if you want to join the mile high club. You check yes and pay the extra fees and the airline puts one more person on the plane (perhaps one of the flight crew is assigned this duty) to handle this service. Sure it will drive the price of the ticket up, but aren't you worth it?

Speaking of this, you have to imagine that sometime there is a little kid near the bathroom when this is going on and can hear everything. When someone starts yelling "YES, YES, YES!" the kid turns to mommy or daddy and says "that person must have really needed to pee."

 Comments are welcome.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Dating rules.

Or as I like to call it, why do Hitler and Manson get women and I don't.

Love is easy. Relationships are hard. Why does there have to be so many rules, especially when it comes to first dates?

Don't talk too much.
Don't talk too little.
Act interested.
Don't act too interested.
Compliment her on what she is wearing.
Don't tell her you can't wait to see what she has on underneath.
Be on time.
Don't be late.
Don't show up too early.
Don't bring your cousin as a back up date just in case your date didn't show up.
Don't talk about yourself in the 3rd person. It is funny but some people find it weird.
Don't talk about creepy "uncle" Dave.
Laugh at their jokes.
Don't laugh too loud.
Don't talk about how your backyard is a mass graveyard or a toxic waste dumping ground.
Let her order whatever she wants.
Don't order from the kiddie menu to balance out everything she ordered.
Don't drink too much.
Don't bring your ventriloquist dummy.
Do make sure she she sees you giving her the once over and do it slowly.
Don't dive under the table and yell "GUN" if she reaches in her purse.
Be polite to the wait staff.
Do not spend 30 minutes getting to know the waiter when they introduce themselves.
Don't mention how they look exactly like someone on "America's Most Wanted".
Don't reveal your obsessions and odd interests such as believing that dressing up cats to look like dogs is a career choice.
Tell funny stories.
Tell her she is funny but do not follow that up with the word looking.
Don't take pictures of them after they get food stuck in their teeth.
Don't say "I love you." unless you mean it ironically. Even then, don't.
Don't excuse yourself from the table when the check comes.
Pay the check.
Don't demand things because you paid the check.

I say forget the rules! Do what you want on a date. You want to come dressed up like a giant tomato, come dressed up like a giant tomato. You want to talk incessantly about how your life was changed by the magic genie, talk about how your life was changed by the genie. All the rules do are to prohibit you from acting like you normally act. Being someone else is not a good way to start a relationship. Be bold and be yourself! Damn the consequences! (I bear no responsibility for the litigation brought against you by your date for whatever action you might take).

I believe in coming to a date prepared. Have a through background check prepared before. That way you will know all about your date. Make sure you mention it when you meet. "So I see you had 3 D.I.P charges along with public indecency and resisting arrest." Let her know you have all the important details in the report lying on the table before you. Don't be afraid to sprinkle little tidbits of knowledge about her into your dinner conversation.

Don't blame me for what happens next.
This may explain why I am single.

Comments always welcome.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Random thoughts

Pop-up windows are the Internet's way of sneaking up behind someone and yelling "Boo!". Speaking of which, it is a bad idea to sneak up behind someone and yell "boo" when that person is holding a knife. It ends badly for someone.

At what point does a person have to stop using the word "mommy" because it is just creepy? A 5 year old can say "I love you, mommy". A 35  year old cannot. Also, a 5 year old can run through their parent's back yard naked and people think it is adorable. People have a very different response when a 30 year old does it.

Something a school administrator looks down on: Smoking and drinking in the teacher's lounge. I don't know why. At least  you are not smoking or drinking in a full classroom.

It's only funny till someone gets hurt. Then it is hilarious.

Saying "Hello, boys" to a well-endowed woman may or may not be a good idea.

Something a hospital administrator looks down on: Coming into a hospital wearing a black robe and carrying a scythe.

Telling your date "You look just like my dead ex-wife/husband."

Standing up during the middle of a Calculus class and announcing that "The teacher is just making words up!".

I wish reporters would stop asking questions that the person cannot answer such as asking military officers to discuss the upcoming military operation or where the secret base is located.

If a new pill has one benefit but takes 20 minutes to list all the dangerous side effects, don't take it!

It says a lot for our race that we are getting other species of animals, such as monkeys, addicted to cigarettes. Anyone who wants to debate the nobility of humans needs to think about this little hobby of ours.

I hate those people who ask you what you wished for after blowing out all the candles on a cake. They know that if you say it out loud it won't come true. Now I just answer by saying "Well, I wished for world peace, for everyone to get along, no more war and everyone to be happy and healthy. Oops, guess it can't come true now!".

Comments are welcome.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Things that need to be said.

Bull fighting is extraordinarily cruel.

How did milk ever catch on? People started drinking it before pasteurization so it had to make some people ill. Also, imagine walking along before it became popular and seeing a farmer squeezing a white liquid from a cow. He offers  you some. Are you going to drink it? No way!

If someone smells something and their head snaps back at the same time they exclaim how bad it smells, there is no need for you to smell it no matter how much the first person asks.

P!nk gets better with every album she puts out. Plus, she is one of the best performers out there. Her acrobatic routine is fantastic.

I'm in love with Jennifer L. Hewitt. I don't know why. I just am.

Apparently politicians have forgotten the rule we tell children. If you do something, admit to it. Lying and then getting caught makes it much worse.

I really don't care who celebrities are dating (except for JLH) or where they go on vacation.

Cheez-its are the greatest snack food.

Why do we combine words that mean close to the same thing to form another word that has the same meaning as the ones that created it. Enormous and gigantic mean large in size or girth and someone combined them to make ginormous. Seriously, don't you  have anything better to do? What makes it worse it that it caught on.

One way we can save on paper is to do away with catalogues. I just saw an entire full sized catalogue dedicated to bird feeders.Just bird feeders. That has to be one of the signs of the decline of western civilization.

Rather than say happy birthday to people, I think we should say "Hey, you survived another year. I lost that bet."

Also, wouldn't it be great if those clocks that count down to when you were going to die were completely accurate? Everyone would buy one. It would be the best selling item in the history of merchandise and there would always be a need as new people are born.

I want to see a giant spider movie where the spider(or spiders) wins.

comments welcome.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

What is this thing called love?

Love is a concept I have never really been able to comprehend. I know this partly arises from the fact that I have never been in love. When someone asks me are you lonely I tell them "I am alone by choice. Women's choice!"

Obviously love is for sale and I do not mean the physical act of love which can be found on some of the finer street corners or in some ranches near the west coast but I mean by those websites which are now offering to help people find their mate. The commercials air on TV and make it sound so easy to find and fall in love.

"After our first date, I knew she was going to be the one I was going to stalk the rest of my life."
"Oh, I love you too."

It sickens me how bland they make love sound. Like it is so simple. I may sound a little irritated and I am. I have tried a dating site since a former roommate gave me a subscription to one. I learned 2 things from doing that.

1-If I want rejection I can get it for free. I don't need to pay for it. I can get rejected where ever I go. Rejection only really hurt one time. I went on a date with a woman and it was a great date. We had a good time and I asked her out again a day or so later. She said she did not want to go out with me again which stung since she had been drinking and gets affectionate when she drinks. Even while affectionate she did not want to go out with me again. Yes, I know, it wasn't really a great date in that case.

2-that a personality profile is required and after completing it, I was told that there is no one out there for me. I find that very comforting. It is good to know that out of all the thousands of people the site says are using the service, there is no one for me.

What dating sites do not tell prospective clients is most women write the same thing. They like dressing up to go out and like to stay at home in jeans. That they love to lounge on the beach and go to a sporting event. They love staying at home to read a book and to meet friends for drinks. And to top it all off they are all hilarious with a great sense of humor, usually sarcastic. Way to cover all the bases ladies.

Another depressing part are the people who try to help. They tell me I know the perfect person for you. I usually hear Druscilla from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" or Abbey from "NCIS". I look at them and in a tender voice reply "SHE"S A FICTIONAL CHARACTER!" To which they reply (and no matter how hard I try, I cannot argue this point) "Well, you are too.".

One phrase I actually despise is "The heart wants what the heart wants". That is nothing more than an excuse for bad behavior. It ranks up there with the expression "Follow your bliss". Before you tell someone this, find out what their bliss actually is. You never know-the person you tell this to might want to be a politician or a lawyer.

Saturday, June 4, 2011


     I know why people hate me. I am sarcastic, cynical and, as Stephanie so recently stated, mean. I mock people incessantly. I tune people out as I prefer my own thoughts to most of what people are saying. I spend a lot of time in my head which makes people uncomfortable. What is in my head is usually more interesting that what is going on around me. I remember a great deal of things which can make conversations with me unusual to say the least. I read a lot. I watch movies. I listen even when you think I am not. I'm quiet when I need to be. I keep going back to college. The more I know, the better my jokes.

Hostess: Are you coming to the pot luck tonight?
Me: No, I am not feeling that lucky.

Her: What are you bringing to the dinner?
Me: My appetite!

     I don't care that people hate me. Quite the opposite. I actually pursue this attitude towards me since I am entertained by it. I enjoy the results such as Brian always saying "I hate you, Al" after I did or said something at his expense. I also make fun of myself which is something people do not understand. If I can dish it out, I have to be able to take it. I have strong opinions about things and am not afraid to utter them. I am not a proponent of political correctness. Some get offended by my statements, others are amused.

     It is not that I don't like people. I just wish they would put more thought into what they say before uttering it.

     Like the woman who told me that eating Chinese food everyday will give you cancer.

     Or the woman quoted in a newspaper article saying her house is infested with stinkbugs. Why would someone say this to a reporter? Is having a lot of bugs in your house a new symbol of cool? Is there a competition? What would be the prize for coming in first? The only thing I know is that I have no desire to visit this person's house.

     I have spent a great deal of time working in retail which was not the right place for me to be since i am not a people person. That is putting it mildly. I try to stay away from people and their drama. I hate it when people say they don't have any drama. Trust me, everyone has drama and if you think you don't then you are delusional. You have a job, you have drama. You have a family, you have drama. You go out to a restaurant and the waiter accidentally sets your sleeve on fire, you have drama. I get so irritated when people say they don't have drama in their lives. What, are they living in a void where there are no other people? If so, I want to live there. People are drama. We all have it. Some more than others.

     I understand not wanting any drama since each person probably has enough for two. In fact we should start giving other people some of ours. Here, take some of mine. No, don't give me any of yours. You need mine since it will make your life complete and worth living. No, I still do not want any of yours--your life is a complete mess and I don't want any part of it.

     This blog will be full of different observations and opinions. Some of which you agree with, might make you laugh, and realize you hate me. I tend to think in unconventional ways and this will become very clear. I quote Brian earlier and the funny thing is that we are friends now.  So hate me if you want.

     I prefer it.