Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Dating rules.

Or as I like to call it, why do Hitler and Manson get women and I don't.

Love is easy. Relationships are hard. Why does there have to be so many rules, especially when it comes to first dates?

Don't talk too much.
Don't talk too little.
Act interested.
Don't act too interested.
Compliment her on what she is wearing.
Don't tell her you can't wait to see what she has on underneath.
Be on time.
Don't be late.
Don't show up too early.
Don't bring your cousin as a back up date just in case your date didn't show up.
Don't talk about yourself in the 3rd person. It is funny but some people find it weird.
Don't talk about creepy "uncle" Dave.
Laugh at their jokes.
Don't laugh too loud.
Don't talk about how your backyard is a mass graveyard or a toxic waste dumping ground.
Let her order whatever she wants.
Don't order from the kiddie menu to balance out everything she ordered.
Don't drink too much.
Don't bring your ventriloquist dummy.
Do make sure she she sees you giving her the once over and do it slowly.
Don't dive under the table and yell "GUN" if she reaches in her purse.
Be polite to the wait staff.
Do not spend 30 minutes getting to know the waiter when they introduce themselves.
Don't mention how they look exactly like someone on "America's Most Wanted".
Don't reveal your obsessions and odd interests such as believing that dressing up cats to look like dogs is a career choice.
Tell funny stories.
Tell her she is funny but do not follow that up with the word looking.
Don't take pictures of them after they get food stuck in their teeth.
Don't say "I love you." unless you mean it ironically. Even then, don't.
Don't excuse yourself from the table when the check comes.
Pay the check.
Don't demand things because you paid the check.

I say forget the rules! Do what you want on a date. You want to come dressed up like a giant tomato, come dressed up like a giant tomato. You want to talk incessantly about how your life was changed by the magic genie, talk about how your life was changed by the genie. All the rules do are to prohibit you from acting like you normally act. Being someone else is not a good way to start a relationship. Be bold and be yourself! Damn the consequences! (I bear no responsibility for the litigation brought against you by your date for whatever action you might take).

I believe in coming to a date prepared. Have a through background check prepared before. That way you will know all about your date. Make sure you mention it when you meet. "So I see you had 3 D.I.P charges along with public indecency and resisting arrest." Let her know you have all the important details in the report lying on the table before you. Don't be afraid to sprinkle little tidbits of knowledge about her into your dinner conversation.

Don't blame me for what happens next.
This may explain why I am single.

Comments always welcome.

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