Sunday, October 27, 2013

The Horrors of Christmas Sweaters

Since Halloween is almost here and stores have started decorating for Christmas (forget Thanksgiving, Christmas is the money maker) let me discuss what is the worst gift to give--sweaters.

On a side note, if any one who reads this thinks that Christmas is going to sneak up on them, consider this your warning. Christmas is coming so you cannot use that lie anymore. It is a lie since it is the same day every year. It is not like a ninja holiday that moves around and sneaks up behind you.

Now some people may like getting sweaters and I have only one thing to say to them; what is wrong with you people? They are itchy and fundamentally unattractive (or maybe I am the one who is fundamentally unattractive and bring down their natural beauty...Nah, that can't be it).

I grew up getting sweaters as gifts. Me, who has a very basic wardrobe sense. Seriously, my personal wardrobe consists of a black t-shirt and black jeans. Every day. So I had to fight a long hard battle against the imperialist gift givers who tried forcing sweaters on me. It was an uphill battle but eventually I won. I no longer get sweaters.

Fortunately, the sweater gifts ended when they did since the next step would involve armed conflict. Yes, getting those itchy things would have been justification for war. I hate them so much. They are itchy and send the wrong message about me. You know the message. That I am a jolly man. That is Santa Claus (since we are discussing Christmas. Well, I am. I have no idea what you are doing).

I remember one Christmas when it was like sweater palooza and that is all I got that season. I have never believed it is the thought that counts (unless the thought was to torture me and congratulations, you did well). I let loose with a volley of sarcastic insults that holiday. Women teared up. Men's faces turned red. Parents covered their children's ears. My 8th Christmas was rough. And I did not even turn mean until 13. This was still the nice me.

My 9th Christmas saw me bring a lighter to the festivities. People asked why a 9 year old has a lighter. My parents shrugged and I said (as I flicked the flame) that this is for any and all sweaters that are given to me. Okay, my actual words were "If I get any sweaters, I am going to burn this house down." You cannot imagine how fast those adults started changing the name cards of gifts for me. Funny, no one challenged me what I said that.

Eventually these people got the idea. It took a lot but they eventually stopped the horror. Of course, Christmas was tainted for me. This is why, when I worked in retail, that I would carry a metal rod with me during December when people got crazy desperate and when people made a move toward me, I would brandish the rod and tell them they need to back up. I also added some colorful language between 'back' and 'up'.

Yeah, I know, I am a real charmer.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Reasons for dating

So I have not dated anyone in a really long time and that is okay. Better than okay. It is expected and appreciated. But back in the day I did date and there were many reasons why someone should date me. The top 10 are listed below in no particular order.

1) You lost a bet with God. I do not know why you would make a bet with God but hey, I am getting something out of it so okay.

2) You are really mad at the world and want to punish it. I don't think the world really cares that you are mad but okay.

3) You are doing charity work. Sure, this will put you in good with Heaven since, you know, a life of suffering increases the odds of getting into Heaven.

4) You are just that drunk.

5) The court gave you two options, the roadside work program or dating me. The only benefit to me is that it is only one night. Sure the night feels like it lasts for weeks but you don't have to wear that horrible orange. I cannot tell you the number of women who, halfway through the date, called out that they have changed their mind and want to go to the roadside program.

6) You are on new medications and think that I am a side effect of the pills.

7) You are dating me to show your ex that you can do worse.

8) It is a pity date since you feel so bad for me. I have nothing against these. I have been on a few of these. The only downside comes when I ask "Since this was a pity date, are you going to pity sleep with me?" She laughs before giving me a serious look "NO!"

9) You are punishing your parents (or anyone who might be considered a parent).

10) What's that? Did you say maybe someone actually WANTS to date me? Apparently you have lost all touch with reality. Wants to date me? Why not just ask the sun to wink at you?