Tuesday, August 28, 2012

My family

I come from a very conservative family. They refer to non-Republicans as those damn dirty Democrats. One of the happiest moments of their lives was when President Reagan included them on his Christmas card list. I say them because they tend to exclude me on most things and consider me to be one of those DDD’s. I think that is a totally unfair designation. I do not support any party. Even so, by not supporting Republican ideals, I get called that name.  

                Being Republican means they have dogs. I’m serious about this. Look at Clinton and Bush. Clinton had a cat and Bush had a dog. My mother supports this trend more than any other. She doesn't just have a dog. She has gigantic dogs. People, when they first see these animals, ask my mother where she got the horses. The Hubble telescope can see her dogs from space. Everyone else in the family has taken a page from her and surrounds themselves with dogs. Well, except for me who can’t commit to care for something that has a larger gravitational pull than I do.

                Of course, I do not come around to see them anymore. I became persona non grata after one particular Thanksgiving. This is a holiday filled with tradition. The family gets together. They bring their spouses (of which I have none), children (of which I have none) and talk about their careers (of which I have none). There is really not much for me to talk about so I just sit there and stuff my face with food. It is a free meal so I cannot really complain. Somewhere between putting turkey and corn in my mouth someone made a comment about how I wouldn’t understand what it is like being a parent since I don’t have any children.

                If I had just kept my mouth shut I would still be getting free meals once or twice a year. But, of course, I couldn’t do that.

                “Well, no kids that I know about.” The entire table froze and every head was turned to stare at me that very second. I could have said that I have donated to a local sperm bank. That might have saved me. I didn’t say that.

                I could have stopped there and things might have turned out okay. I didn’t stop there.

                “I cannot tell you the number of times I have woken up in a strange place with a woman I don’t know. I’m not sure of who they even are or what happened to get me there. More often than not, they have no idea who I am either. We come to as complete strangers in the morning. Let me tell you, that lead to some uncomfortable silences. Fortunately I never have to see them again.” My brother does a spit take at this statement, dousing Cousin George across the table in beer.

                Things might have been smoothed over even at this point if I have stopped. I didn’t stop.

                “Then there are those times when it isn’t a woman I wake up next to. I look over and see him laying there, once again no idea who he is or what happened to get me in a strange bed. They always wake up and tell me they don’t normally do this kind of thing. After the 3rd or 4th time of my doing this I couldn’t even say that anymore.”

                At that particular moment all eyes were upon me. Even the dogs stared at me. I felt special. I felt loved. I felt the swelling of pride in my breast. No one said anything. No one dared blink. I could hear Janie swallow hard and then one sentence changed my entire fate. My mother stood up, pushing her chair back as she did, and in a shrill voice with one single wavering finger pointed at me declared, “Off with his head!”

                This lead to the Thanksgiving riot you may have read about in the newspapers. It became so heated that it grew to three cities. People who had no idea what was going on joined the melee. The local SWAT teams had to come out and they still could not get the situation calmed down. Even the local mayor was found looting (which of course he thoroughly denied by saying he was trying to put things back).

Now I have to find a new family. Maybe the Addams family is looking for new members.


Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Things I know

While I may not know much there are some things I have learned while on this thing we call Earth (or, as the aliens taught me to call it, Spacke 889. And in case you were wondering, I was not probed by them. No matter how much I begged.).

1) You should always carry a clipboard with you. People will not bother someone who has a clipboard and looks official. For some reason the clipboard keeps people away.

If two burly guys are dragging a person away who is kicking and screaming that he is being kidnapped and needs help, people will get involved and stop the burly guys.

In the same scenario, if there is a person with a clipboard walking beside the two burly guys who are dragging a person off, no one gets involved. People just assume that this should be happening and is official.

2) Remember going to parties back in school and seeing that one person who always got so drunk every single time he would pass out in a pool of his own fluid every single time? That person now works in Congress.

 3) When people have young children they wish they could spend less time at work and more time with their families. When the child gets older and becomes argumentative, these same people wish they could spend more time at work and less time with the family.

4) The better something tastes, the worse it is for you...

 5) They say your pets don't judge you. They're wrong. Your pets constantly judge you and you always come up lacking. This is why your pets are always staring at you. Hamsters and lizards, too. They are watching you, looking for signs of weakness.

 6) Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. While I cannot verify or disprove this statement I do know that if I find her to be beautiful I want to be holding 'er. I know that is a terrible pun. Deal with it. For more on this see my blog titled "In my head."

7) The phrase "Beauty may be skin deep but ugly goes clear to the bone" invariably gets mentioned around me. Yes, Jeremy Jones, I know you are talking about me. You think you are so clever, don't you? Well, I am onto you. I know what this means and I don't like it one bit!

 8) Holding a pillow over a roommate's face until he stops snoring is not acceptable. The things I learn the hard way...

 which leads to my next point

 9) When the judge asks you how you plead, she is not amused by "Please, baby, please, baby, please!"

 10) When someone says “Ask me anything” they mean about them. You cannot imagine the looks I received when someone said that and my question was, "Why have all the bees been disappearing? Where are they going?”

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

War with a mirror

                Waking up is always a problem since it forces me to look in a mirror and take a good, hard look at myself. Seeing the image reflected back at me is never a pleasant prospect. It is not due to the lighting which is usually a problem in women’s dressing rooms.

                Women say that the lighting in dressing rooms is unflattering. I would not know anything about that since I have never been in a woman’s dressing room. I have been in a woman’s bathroom (before you ladies burst forth with righteous indignation there weren’t any women using the room at the time). I looked around and thought “this is nice!” It was well lit and cleaner than the men’s room. Men don’t really mind dark bathrooms since that gives us an excuse for missing. “I couldn’t see the bowl. It was dark in there and I got scared.” That is really the only reason we can use for our behavior in the bathroom. It also explains why we never change the toilet paper roll since we cannot see that it is used up due to the darkness.

                When I wake up and have to see my face I am just grateful everything is in the same place it was the night before. After doing a physical check which involves me counting everything (two eyes, check, one nose, check, one mouth, check, three ears, che—wait a minute…) I thank heaven everything is in the same place it was the night before. I would really hate to wake up and find my nose had relocated to my forehead during the evening. That would be hard to explain when I go out in public. Plus, how am I going to keep my sunglasses on. Yes, my main concern is not that my nose had moved (which should be a source for MAJOR concern) but that I could no longer wear my sunglasses. Hey, we all have priorities.

                Looking at myself in the mirror is my own version of coffee. I get a jolt of pure adrenaline (caffeine) when I see myself staring back. When the initial shock has passed I realize that it is no worse than yesterday. This is really no comfort since it is not any better than yesterday either and it needs work. You know it is really bad when your pets won’t even look at you directly. It is a shame when your animals avoid eye contact. It gets worse when you realize that coworkers leave their glasses and contacts at home when they have to work with you.

                I have very pale skin. I like it that way since I am whiter than white. I am a new shade, Al white which is paler than Eggshell White. This has benefits as I no longer need a glow stick at night. My skin is so pale it is reflective. I can hold out my arm and see my way through the darkness. This is also beneficial when I am trying to read in a place with little to no light. Just hold up my hand and the book is now easy to read. This is why I wear black clothes all the time. I am trying to minimize the reflection of my skin on other people’s eyes. You have no idea how many times I have been asked to turn my skin down, like it is a flashlight I control.

                This is why I have no mirrors in my room. It is not because I am a vampire. It has been mentioned that I am a vampire. Silly people, they don’t exist (which is what a vampire would say, hmmm). A former coworker’s 8 year old daughter said “He wears all black, has pale skin and doesn’t like going in the sunlight. Mom, I think he’s a vampire”.  I laughed when this little tidbit was recounted to me. Baring my fang like teeth I told them vampires don’t exist. I suppose adding the comment that my coworker has a lovely neck went a little too far. I have never seen crosses whipped out so fast.

                Is there a point to all this? No. Just some random thoughts about why I do not like mirrors. There is only one mirror in the bathroom and sometimes when I walk by it and happen to see my reflection when I don’t expect to, I let out a little scream. Panting heavily from the sheer terror, I tell my reflection “Don’t do that. You scared the life out of me.” Fortunately there has been no response from the reflection yet. I wonder what my reflection would say to me. Based on what I have seen on TV and in movies I would guess my reflection is trying to convince me to touch the mirror so he can come out and take over my life. This is another reason I hate mirrors. They are trying to take my life away!

Sunday, August 5, 2012

In my head

Recently I made the comment to a coworker that a woman I saw was very attractive. Now this was purely physical since I know nothing about her personally. For all I know she could kick puppies as a hobby. I'm not saying she does. I'm just saying I don't know.

(If you are a woman I know and you are reading this, don't worry. This is not about you.)

His response was to tell me to make a move, ask her out. I told him I already had. I told him we have been going out for two months now.

The very loud "What?" coming from his mouth echoed throughout the entire building. Pigeons nearby flew away due to the loud sound. People's heads snapped around and the building shook a little. Okay, it was not really that loud but he was surprised.

Oh, yes I continued. We have been dating for two months now and things are going great...in my head.

I do all my dating in my head now.

No one every turns me down. I have a 100% success rating. That never  happens in real life (except for James Bond and I am no James Bond).

Women never tell me no. They say yes to everything. Even the weird stuff...

(If you are creating a relationship and cannot get anywhere with this person, you've got problems. Deep, dark problems. Problems that may involve medication but I am not a doctor so I cannot actually diagnose this.)

I never age. Neither does she.

I am always witty. So is she.

I've gotten married 73 times. 70 of them were to the same woman. For some reason the marriage never seems to stick.

She never gets pregnant. If she does I just call do over and pretend it never happened. The problem with her getting pregnant in my head means there is no real question of who the father is.

The entire course of the relationship goes by in seconds and then I can move on.

No one's feelings ever get hurt. Well, she cries and wails when I leave and I always leave. In my head I love them and leave them.

If I don't like what they are wearing when I see them in the real world, I can change it. Hoodies, gone. Pajamas out in public, gone. MooMoos, gone.

Dating in my head allows me to avoid all the real world costs of relationships; Emotional, mental and financial. Don't kid yourself-relationships are expensive. In my head there is no real cost.

Is this creepy? You betcha but it is better than the alternative when I try to talk to women and the conversations mainly consists of me saying "Hello...and goodbye" with in a span of seconds since she will not even stop to acknowledge me. Women ignoring me actually proves that the female gender is very smart (smarter than me at least).

Now I know that many women who have met me and are reading this are crying and saying that I  have looked at them with an unclean eye. Let me just respond by saying "Damn Straight!".