In my head

Recently I made the comment to a coworker that a woman I saw was very attractive. Now this was purely physical since I know nothing about her personally. For all I know she could kick puppies as a hobby. I'm not saying she does. I'm just saying I don't know.

(If you are a woman I know and you are reading this, don't worry. This is not about you.)

His response was to tell me to make a move, ask her out. I told him I already had. I told him we have been going out for two months now.

The very loud "What?" coming from his mouth echoed throughout the entire building. Pigeons nearby flew away due to the loud sound. People's heads snapped around and the building shook a little. Okay, it was not really that loud but he was surprised.

Oh, yes I continued. We have been dating for two months now and things are going great...in my head.

I do all my dating in my head now.

No one every turns me down. I have a 100% success rating. That never  happens in real life (except for James Bond and I am no James Bond).

Women never tell me no. They say yes to everything. Even the weird stuff...

(If you are creating a relationship and cannot get anywhere with this person, you've got problems. Deep, dark problems. Problems that may involve medication but I am not a doctor so I cannot actually diagnose this.)

I never age. Neither does she.

I am always witty. So is she.

I've gotten married 73 times. 70 of them were to the same woman. For some reason the marriage never seems to stick.

She never gets pregnant. If she does I just call do over and pretend it never happened. The problem with her getting pregnant in my head means there is no real question of who the father is.

The entire course of the relationship goes by in seconds and then I can move on.

No one's feelings ever get hurt. Well, she cries and wails when I leave and I always leave. In my head I love them and leave them.

If I don't like what they are wearing when I see them in the real world, I can change it. Hoodies, gone. Pajamas out in public, gone. MooMoos, gone.

Dating in my head allows me to avoid all the real world costs of relationships; Emotional, mental and financial. Don't kid yourself-relationships are expensive. In my head there is no real cost.


Is this creepy? You betcha but it is better than the alternative when I try to talk to women and the conversations mainly consists of me saying "Hello...and goodbye" with in a span of seconds since she will not even stop to acknowledge me. Women ignoring me actually proves that the female gender is very smart (smarter than me at least).

Now I know that many women who have met me and are reading this are crying and saying that I  have looked at them with an unclean eye. Let me just respond by saying "Damn Straight!".