Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Things I know

While I may not know much there are some things I have learned while on this thing we call Earth (or, as the aliens taught me to call it, Spacke 889. And in case you were wondering, I was not probed by them. No matter how much I begged.).

1) You should always carry a clipboard with you. People will not bother someone who has a clipboard and looks official. For some reason the clipboard keeps people away.

If two burly guys are dragging a person away who is kicking and screaming that he is being kidnapped and needs help, people will get involved and stop the burly guys.

In the same scenario, if there is a person with a clipboard walking beside the two burly guys who are dragging a person off, no one gets involved. People just assume that this should be happening and is official.

2) Remember going to parties back in school and seeing that one person who always got so drunk every single time he would pass out in a pool of his own fluid every single time? That person now works in Congress.

 3) When people have young children they wish they could spend less time at work and more time with their families. When the child gets older and becomes argumentative, these same people wish they could spend more time at work and less time with the family.

4) The better something tastes, the worse it is for you...

 5) They say your pets don't judge you. They're wrong. Your pets constantly judge you and you always come up lacking. This is why your pets are always staring at you. Hamsters and lizards, too. They are watching you, looking for signs of weakness.

 6) Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. While I cannot verify or disprove this statement I do know that if I find her to be beautiful I want to be holding 'er. I know that is a terrible pun. Deal with it. For more on this see my blog titled "In my head."

7) The phrase "Beauty may be skin deep but ugly goes clear to the bone" invariably gets mentioned around me. Yes, Jeremy Jones, I know you are talking about me. You think you are so clever, don't you? Well, I am onto you. I know what this means and I don't like it one bit!

 8) Holding a pillow over a roommate's face until he stops snoring is not acceptable. The things I learn the hard way...

 which leads to my next point

 9) When the judge asks you how you plead, she is not amused by "Please, baby, please, baby, please!"

 10) When someone says “Ask me anything” they mean about them. You cannot imagine the looks I received when someone said that and my question was, "Why have all the bees been disappearing? Where are they going?”

No comments:

Post a Comment