I come from a very conservative
family. They refer to non-Republicans as those damn dirty Democrats. One of the
happiest moments of their lives was when President Reagan included them on his
Christmas card list. I say them because they tend to exclude me on most things
and consider me to be one of those DDD’s. I think that is a totally unfair
designation. I do not support any party. Even so, by not supporting Republican
ideals, I get called that name.
Being
Republican means they have dogs. I’m serious about this. Look at Clinton and
Bush. Clinton had a cat and Bush had a dog. My mother supports this trend more
than any other. She doesn't just have a dog. She has gigantic dogs. People, when
they first see these animals, ask my mother where she got the horses. The
Hubble telescope can see her dogs from space. Everyone else in the family has
taken a page from her and surrounds themselves with dogs. Well, except for me
who can’t commit to care for something that has a larger gravitational pull
than I do.
Of
course, I do not come around to see them anymore. I became persona non grata
after one particular Thanksgiving. This is a holiday filled with tradition. The
family gets together. They bring their spouses (of which I have none), children
(of which I have none) and talk about their careers (of which I have none).
There is really not much for me to talk about so I just sit there and stuff my
face with food. It is a free meal so I cannot really complain. Somewhere
between putting turkey and corn in my mouth someone made a comment about how I
wouldn’t understand what it is like being a parent since I don’t have any
children.
If I
had just kept my mouth shut I would still be getting free meals once or twice a
year. But, of course, I couldn’t do that.
“Well,
no kids that I know about.” The entire table froze and every head was turned to
stare at me that very second. I could have said that I have donated to a local
sperm bank. That might have saved me. I didn’t say that.
I could
have stopped there and things might have turned out okay. I didn’t stop there.
“I
cannot tell you the number of times I have woken up in a strange place with a
woman I don’t know. I’m not sure of who they even are or what happened to get
me there. More often than not, they have no idea who I am either. We come to as
complete strangers in the morning. Let me tell you, that lead to some
uncomfortable silences. Fortunately I never have to see them again.” My brother
does a spit take at this statement, dousing Cousin George across the table in
beer.
Things
might have been smoothed over even at this point if I have stopped. I didn’t
stop.
“Then
there are those times when it isn’t a woman I wake up next to. I look over and
see him laying there, once again no idea who he is or what happened to get me
in a strange bed. They always wake up and tell me they don’t normally do this
kind of thing. After the 3rd or 4th time of my doing this
I couldn’t even say that anymore.”
At that
particular moment all eyes were upon me. Even the dogs stared at me. I felt
special. I felt loved. I felt the swelling of pride in my breast. No one said
anything. No one dared blink. I could hear Janie swallow hard and then one
sentence changed my entire fate. My mother stood up, pushing her chair back as
she did, and in a shrill voice with one single wavering finger pointed at me
declared, “Off with his head!”
This
lead to the Thanksgiving riot you may have read about in the newspapers. It
became so heated that it grew to three cities. People who had no idea what was
going on joined the melee. The local SWAT teams had to come out and they still
could not get the situation calmed down. Even the local mayor was found looting
(which of course he thoroughly denied by saying he was trying to put things back).
Now I have to find a new family.
Maybe the Addams family is looking for new members.
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