Conversations with my 1 year old cats

Cat: It is dinner time. You have to feed me since it is part of the social contract.


Me: Wait. You know what a social contract is but when I tell you to get off the table, you act like you don't know understand I am saying.


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Cat: Tonight, at 1 A.M., your measuring tape dies.

 Me: What?

 Cat: I didn't say anything.


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Cat: By the way, I maxxed out your credit card last night.

 Me: What?
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Me: Okay, cats, I don't know which one of you drew the chalk outline around me while I slept last night but that is not funny!


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Me: Cat, what do you want for Christmas?

 Cat: I want to be a Sith Lord.

 Me: You already are.

 Cat: What's that?

 Me: I didn't say anything.
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Cat: Give me a potato chip.

 Me: I am not giving you a chip.

 Cat: You will rue this day, hooman, rue this day.
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Cats: What's up? Whatzz up? Sup? Wat up?

 Me: Okay, that's enough.

 Cats: Hooman?

 Me: Yes?

 Cats: WASSUP!
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I thought it was very sweet that my cat gave me a hug.


Until I found my wallet was missing.
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Cat: What is the chemical composition of salt?

 Me: Sodium Chloride. NaCL.

 Cat: Okay, thank you.

 Me: Wait, what?
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I hate coming into a room to hear my female cats singing "He had it coming" from the musical Chicago.


Mainly cause I am the only he they know.
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I regret putting my cats on my friends and family plan. I also regret giving them their own phones.


They keep texting me at 3 A. M. with their selfies from the living room.
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Me: Okay, cats, which of you used the printer to make fliers reading "Human for sale. Low offers welcomed."
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Cat: Gimme a cat treat.

 Me: Not now, later.

 Cat: Gimme a cat treat now or I show your mother what you have been looking at on the web!