Saturday, July 14, 2012

Wedding Daze

Why do weddings have so many terms in common with mental institutions? Commitment and institution are two of the bigger ones.  Why is it man and wife and not husband and wife? Also, why do men only have Mr. and women have Ms, Miss, and Mrs.? Are fathers so desperate that they have to give their daughter away? It is her wedding day. Obviously someone wants to take her.
Months of careful planning about where to place the centerpieces, how much shrimp will Uncle Johnny eat, how far the mother-in-law can be seated from the bride and how to pick out the most unattractive fabric for bridesmaid dresses. Brides are ready to scream on this particular day (perfectly natural) and it is now legal for brides to kill on their wedding day in 14 states.
The Bride is under a lot of stress today. Months of planning have culminated in a single day that she will remember for the rest of her life. The groom is just there because she told him to be. Usually the guy does not do much of the wedding planning so this particular day is the best time to criticize. Tell her that the flowers are terrible, the bridesmaid dresses are hideous and that the minister is drunk. Whatever you do, don’t tell her in person. Call her cell and tell her. Remember she has the right to kill today (and will). If you have never seen a bride running in a wedding dress wielding a large knife, you will today after that call. No one will even attempt to stop her. They will be sitting and wondering what the groom did to make her mad.

The whole event is a kaleidoscope of colors. From the basic black and white of the bride and groom to the array of colors you seen on the people coming to watch the spectacle to the display of colorful flowers. Helpful hint: Don’t ever suggest to the bride that white is a bold color choice based on her history with men.

Flowers add a lot to a wedding; allergic reactions, bees, etc. Why are flowers so popular? I blame the florists. Later, someone will say how beautiful the flowers were right before the flowers get thrown into the trash.

Brides can be frightening things on this day. I myself am terrified of a raging bride but I am still going to make a list (and for those who have read earlier posts, you know what is coming next).

As the bride walks by say (real loudly) that her dress is pretty and reach out to feel the fabric. Get a good handful and carefully stroke it. Brides loved being grabbed as they walk down the aisle. Trust me.

When the minister says “speak now or forever hold your peace” cough once. Just once and do not say anything else.
Instead of saying “Release the doves” say “Release the Kraken!” See how many people get that reference. Bonus points if you have an actual Kraken to release!

Who (and why) made the Chicken Dance? Why do they hate the human race?

Slip around the back and change the music to the Baha Men’s song “Who let the Dogs out?” Classy weddings have organ music. Switching the sheet music is a necessity. Slip in “American Pie” or “Smells like Teen Spirit”. Heck, one might even throw in the chase music from the “Benny Hill” while the bride is walking down the aisle. Get that party rocking! Sure, the party hasn’t started yet as this is the actual ceremony but don’t let that stop you.

Important note: Apparently it is bad form to bring beer to the church and crack open the can during the ceremony. Speaking of bad form you are expected to wear certain attire and a T-shirt that reads “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free” is not appreciated.
Guys, fight for the bouquet. When women tell guys men cannot catch the bouquet just say “Equal rights”. Equality should work both ways. If a guy feels that catching a bunch of flowers is going to help him get married so be it.
No, I do not get invited to second weddings. Yes, I am shocked when I am invited the first time.

Push the bride too far and they have the right to grab the nearest silverware to attack and maim if need be. The sun glinting off the blade is so pretty.  One good way to drive the bride crazy is to tell fictional stories about bridal behavior. Fill the story with lots of sordid details. Watch the bride’s mother say “Oohhh” before passing out. Listen as one guy stands up and goes “Yeah, Baby” or “I knew that was you!”

No, I have never been married. The above may be a good example of why a woman has never walked down the aisle with me. Probably a wise choice on their part.

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