People constantly ask me "Don't you have any shame?" The answer is always no since I feel shame is an useless emotion. It keeps people from doing they want to do. I have no such flaw. Supervisors I have worked with can verify this statement. They have gotten used to it and, when someone brings up one of my actions to their attention, the response is "That's just Al." That is how I am explained now. Sometimes a sigh is included.
Being the wild and wacky individual I am means people talk about me a lot. Word of my exploits gets around. Well, honestly, they are more warnings than anything else. People caution each other about me which means I am told I cannot do certain things. While I take some of these as challenges other times I do it any way (I have no regrets) I am constantly being told I cannot do many things that I find hilarious. Disclaimer: What I find hilarious is not always funny to other people.
1) I am not allowed to give toasts at weddings anymore. I gave some in the past and, after the chaos those three speeches caused, brides always shout "No, no, no" when I stand up at receptions. I am rarely invited to receptions anymore since the old adage "better safe than sorry" applies to me. When I do attend a wedding the bride takes a minute from her schedule to come out and give me the old "I'm watching you" sign. Everyone turns to look at me. They know who she is pointing at. Apparently my name is now legendary on the wedding circuit. My mother is so proud (so proud that she now has her sigh as a phone app for whenever she hears talk about my latest escapade).
2) I can no longer return to Mississippi. I am (legally) not allowed to say why but I can mention the words "garden gnomes", "rave" and "governor's mansion."
3) I am no longer allowed to shout out "Pantless time!" This rule really mainly applies at work. I have never seen my manager move so fast. He rapidly ran to the back of the store so he wouldn't have to see it. Yes, he might have tried to stop me but I am like a bullet train. Once I get started there really is no stopping me.
4) Staring at people through windows at restaurants I cannot afford to eat at. I will stand by a window and look in at the diners. I suppose it wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't making sad, hungry faces at them while they are eating. Another thing I can no longer do is to go into a steak house with a friend and announce, loudly, "This is where Bessie ended up."
5) Going to visit mall store Santas. Some of you may ask why but I like to play the odds. If he does exist than I have made sure he knows what I want. If he does not exist, as many adults believe, than no harm done (except for the Santas whose laps I sat on to give my list. I still get hate mail from some of them).
6) Here is one I can still do but it does me absolutely no good. Joey, from "Friends", would hit on women with his opening line "How you doing?" I have tried this but it never works since women basically shut me down when I try. I hear phrases such as "Don't bother", "Not now, not ever", and "I'm not lowering my standards for you."
Of course, there are many more things that I shouldn't do but the line between shouldn't and won't do is pretty much non existent. There are some who may be skeptical of this statement but meeting me will erase any doubt you might have. Just ask Kim Bookless. I think she is still in shock.Fear that day when my shameless nature is revealed unto you. Fear it!