Roommates

By now many faithful readers (both of you) have seen that I am planning to move. The question is, Why Al, why are you going to move?

Well, let me tell you this: I have the roommate blues. I have learned paying rent means paying for the privilege of living somewhere and having a roommate means you are also paying for the opportunity to live with them.

None of the problems I have with a roommate could ever be fault. I'm perfect. Sure, people think I am a little (maybe a lot) odd and I am the kind of person that people never know quite how to take (Kim) and the type who people are never sure if I actually know who they are (Brandy. Well, I do not actually know a Brandy. I'm kidding, Brandy. Please don't hurt me. Honestly, she could without much effort). Wait, what was my point again. Oh, yeah, roommates.

Many times living with someone is more of a punishment and I am not going to pay for that kind of torture (unless, of course, her name has the word dominatrix in front of it which makes everything okay).

There are some clear signs it is time to move and break ties with your current roommate. Here are a few I have learned.

It is time to move when:

You are waiting for your car to be repaired and the local news station has a breaking story where the police have surrounded your house and your roommate has barricaded himself inside.

Your roommate begins tagging his belongings the same way a wolf marks his territory (look it up).

You come home one night to what you think is an empty house but find your roommate staring at you from behind your bed. You can see his head peeking above the edge of the mattress.

Your pets are terrified of him and refuse to have anything to do with him.

You come home with your girlfriend and he hands you a camera with a nudge and a wink before you head to the bedroom.

Your roommate is an adult and asks to sleep with you because he just had a nightmare.

His excuse for bad behavior is his dog told him to do it. The problem arises when he is serious and, worse, he does not have a dog.

Your roommate thinks being one day late on your share of the bills is an excuse to bring out a whip and flog you.

 

I am sure there are many more indicators it is time to move than the paltry list I have assembled here. This is why I believe people were meant to live alone. Living alone guarantees naked time is not going to interfere with anyone’s lifestyle. Having a roommate means always having to say you’re sorry.  At least it should.