Monday, November 19, 2012

Pimping and pretty things

                I’ve mentioned my sister, Janie Mae, before. What I have not told you so far is that she was a pimp. Yep, she would sell people for material possessions. Well, the only two people she used were my brother and I.

                My sister devised an ingenious way to handle her friends. If they did something that pleased her (which was rare since she was, and is, hard to please) or she wanted something from them than she would set them up with our brother, Joseph. I can see how this can be perceived as a reward since he is over 6 feet tall and built like a tree trunk (by that I mean muscular and not knotty). He has a huge smile and women constantly throw themselves at him. Literally. We were in a Wendy’s for lunch and women hurled themselves at him. Women even skip trying to catch the bouquet at weddings and opt to have him catch them instead.  It’s sickening, really.

                Yes, my sister was a pimp. She never got any money for this but she got a lot of pretty, pretty things. She always carried around a set of photos of Joseph just in case something caught her eye. Every week she had to update her photo collection so Joseph was constantly in front of a camera. Giving Janie something she wanted was a sure way to get a date with our brother.

                He claims that they were dates only and that he never slept with a woman he went out with. Hearing this sent me into gales of laughter. Unfortunately this occurred at a family gathering and, after picking myself up off the floor, had to explain what I was laughing about. I answered “He never slept with a woman because he always leaves right after sex.” An uncomfortable silence fills the room (except for my laughter) until I am told “Get out!” Apparently they don’t like my smut talk. I am told to get out a lot.

                On the other hand, if the friend has done something to displease Janie Mae and Janie wants her gone, I come into the picture. One or two nights with me and Janie Mae never has to worry about this person bothering her any more. Yes, I am that good. No, it is not a talent. Yes, I could market myself like this. No, I am not proud of it. I am nowhere near as tall as my brother and no one has thrown themselves at me. The closest I have come is someone tripping as they tried to run away.

                Eventually Janie Mae’s friends caught on to her little scheme. The sad part is exactly how long it took for them to catch on. Her friends began to resort to bribery to get Janie Mae to set them up with Joseph. Sarah, one of Janie’s friends, offered a BMW for a chance with Joseph.

                Debra, Sarah’s friend, had this to say. “You offered up a BMW to just go on a date? There is no one that looks… (This is when Joseph walked in) OH MY GOD! Janie, my family has a yacht!”

                Janie asked if the car was a 7 series. Anything less than a 7 is an insult. My sister has developed a taste for the finer things in life by pimping out our brother.

                The day our brother got married is a dark day for women. November has Black Friday. That June has a Black Saturday. All the forlorn women stood outside the church, weeping, wearing black armbands and cursing the heavens above. Security was hired to keep women out and from ruining the event.  Security at the reception after the ceremony had to drag one woman away after she tried to drive a Vespa through the front doors. Security also gave me a hassle as I tried to come in. I wasn’t on the list.  

                 No one ever offered her anything to be with me (things have been offered to keep me away) but understand I was the punishment. One time I woke up next to Elaine who lay next to me, holding the sheets up to her chin.

                “I feel so dirty.”

                My response did not make her feel better. “You should feel dirty. I have no shame and I am a little disgusted with what happened here last night.”

                Janie also uses me as a deterrent and a threat. “Don’t make me call Al in here” usually brings all the other women in line. If I actually am called into the room it ends in tears due to a wink, a nod and a highly inappropriate suggestion. I’m full of those.

                Janie’s system worked well for some time until Joseph got married (another story for another time) and until I met one of Janie’s friends, Danea (It’s pronounced Dana but spelled with an E) which is also a story for another time.


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