Monday, November 26, 2012

Things to know.

I am going to list things in this blog that you should know about me. They will not be obvious things such as I have never been married (well, duh) and that I don’t have any children. These are some not so deep and dark secrets.

My parents have given up on telling me I need to find a nice girl. Now they tell me they would be happy even if I found a nasty girl. I don’t think they mean someone who is physically dirty. At least I hope they don’t. I need to go check. Hold on...

I want to be a pimp since that is the one career where you can legitimately say “Gimme my money, Bitch!”

I believe in mythical creatures and aliens. I hope they come for me. Heck, at this point, I’m even willing to succumb to the probing. I need a good probing.

I'm willing to believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny if there is a profit in it.

I have never tried Starbucks coffee and I fear I am one of the last. This means that, when Starbucks closes their doors after getting the population addicted, I will not be one of the millions who commit suicide since they were cut off. Yes, I have decided Starbucks is an evil alien plot to get the population addicted and they will take over when we are sufficiently hooked.

I often question the validity of the phrase “family sized” especially in relation to food packages. Whose family are we talking about, the mouse family? I wonder since I can sit and eat a whole package of some product that claims the box/bag is family sized.

I hate the expression “priceless”. Basically, it means something/someone has no price and is worthless. People take offense when I say this and then try to take the item as I claim it must be free.

I can be really quiet at times and sometimes people start talking about things. Sometimes women start telling stories, pregnancy stories. Stories that I cannot unhear. Horrible stories that are part of the reason I don’t have any children. Well, that and women don’t want me touching them.

I like to protect my privacy at all costs. This is exactly why I joined Facebook and Twitter as well as starting a blog.

I am fascinated by the novel Frankenstein. So much so that English teachers have told me they will never look at the book the same way when I am done discussing it. I feel like I am the monster which is why I shun mirrors. I feel like Frankenstein’s monster, other people tell me I am a vampire. Either way, I’M A MONSTER!

Many people tell me I need to smile more. These are the same people who tell me to stop smiling when they see me actually doing it. Maybe I should smile more often. It worries people…

I once walked a 43 minute mile. I am still proud of this.

My tip jar reads “Will mock for tips.” It usually stays empty. People always say play to your strengths but they never tip for it. Cheap bastards. 

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