Moving around

It is moving time. Well, it is actually find a place to live and then moving time. I have done this so much recently that I don't even unpack most things anymore. I just leave them in the box unless it is something useful like a TV, toaster, bed, etc. Everything else stays in the box which saves a lot of time later on.

I have moved several times since 2000. Some person, who shall remain nameless (Brandy! It was Brandy!), told me that I move around like I'm in the military. I'm not. Much like women, the military has rejected me. Am I seeing a trend in my life? OH MY HEAVENS, I am.

Packing is always fun since you get to see what you have accumulated over the years and wonder what you have accumulated over the years. People pack and they say "Where did that come from" or "I didn't know I still had that?" I tend to wonder why I have certain things. Than there are the objects that make me think it is something I shouldn't have and I make sure I pack it down deep into a box so no one can see it.

Being careful about who you get to help load the truck is essential. First, people always expect something from you. I tend to provide beer and pizza. Those are good incentives since people always like free. Even if it is something disgusting people will take it as long as it is free.

Other kinds of people try to loot what you are packing. This is why every box should be securely fastened otherwise people will peep inside and there is always that person who will look inside and ask, invariably, if they can have something.

Moochers are the worst. They are always trying to take your high end stuff like asking if  you still want your TV, computer, car, etc. They never ask for a dish towel or a hanger. It is a shame since I would be willing to part with those.

There are also the things I do not want anyone to see. These are the things I put away before anyone gets there since, without fail, someone will pick up and accidentally hit the on switch so it starts humming and then, after the panic dies down, there is no getting back to work.

Finding a place to live is worse than the packing. Looking around to find an apartment I can afford is tricky business. I walked into one leasing office where I was asked how much money I make a year. The entire office staff burst into gales of laughter when they saw my number. Eventually, the merriment came to an end and one person said something had just opened up which might be perfect for me. This person brought me an open cardboard box and said they just got this in.

Some people ask why I don't buy a house. The answer is simple; the villagers. Everywhere I go, they run me out. I cannot find any peace. Residents stock up on torches when I come around. I seem to get communities to unite. Does that count as a skill? Getting people to come together in a common pursuit.

humor for love

One thing television has taught me is that women want men with a sense of humor. Holding that as the gold standard I went out and prepared. I worked on timing for years. I practiced sarcasm and keeping a straight face, worked on puns (some of which have gotten me kicked out of some places), developed a sense of irreverence towards all things and attempted to learn funny voices. All this I did and more. You know what? It did not do me a bit of good. No woman has ever told me that my sense of humor has made them fall in love with me. No one has ever swooned when I made a snarky comment at someone's expense.

TV couldn't have been wrong, can it?

I know I am funny since my mommy tells me so. She had me tested but I am not sure it was for a sense of humor. There were a lot of questions

I make people laugh. I am never sure whether they are laughing at me or with me but it is laughter none the less, right?

I know I am funny even though I was sent a statement which read:

Your whimsy is flimsy.
Your sense of humor is only a rumor.
Your wit makes me want to spit (out profanities).

There is a message in this but I refuse to see it.

And yet, women are not throwing themselves at me. That means TV lied to me! How could it? I trusted it to teach me how to actually get women. I tried the Joey T. way from "Friends" by saying "How you doing?". Nothing. I tried to woo women with a sense of humor. Nothing. Hmm, maybe I should emulate scenarios where Stockholm Syndrome comes to play. Hmm....

Maybe my sense of humor is too much for any one woman. Sure, it has a mean component like when I was talking to Byron and he mentioned he was not able to finish a large bucket of popcorn at one sitting. M y eyes flicked down to his belly (the important part is to make sure he saw my eyes going down to his mid section) and then saying I find that hard to believe. He was offended that my eyes went to his stomach. Not the actual words but that I looked. Oh, well.

Maybe my wit is too clever. Someone asked a group of people why someone named a business the PMS Deli. My response was "Cause it is only open 3 days a month." All the women got that. Most of the men did not. The women laughed. The men looked puzzled.

One person had the audacity to tell me they can never tell when I am serious. The nerve! I am rarely serious and which should be obvious since my face never changer expression. I have that kind of face. I just wish I didn't.

Maybe I am too insulting. Someone said they were going to be the next Sigmund Freud. I responded by saying I think you mean the next Sigmund Fraud. They really did not appreciate that. I can't understand why not. It was brilliant. BRILLIANT.

Yet women are still not charmed by sense of humor.

I still cannot believe TV would lead me astray. If you cannot trust TV what else is there? Does this mean that nerds don't get the attractive blonds? People on sitcoms who don't have jobs or never spend time at work do okay financially. Don't tell me that isn't true! That was my last hope.

If odd looking guys cannot actually win women over with a highly developed sense of humor than I am doomed. DOOMED!

I only bring this up due to Valentine's day coming. Also, since I have tried the personality profiles for one of those dating sites and the result came back stating there is no one out there for me.

Great...

Permission denied

People constantly ask me "Don't you have any shame?" The answer is always no since I feel shame is an useless emotion. It keeps people from doing they want to do. I have no such flaw. Supervisors I have worked with can verify this statement. They have gotten used to it and, when someone brings up one of my actions to their attention, the response is "That's just Al." That is how I am explained now. Sometimes a sigh is included.

Being the wild and wacky individual I am means people talk about me a lot. Word of my exploits gets around. Well, honestly, they are more warnings than anything else. People caution each other about me which means I am told I cannot do certain things. While I take some of these as challenges other times I do it any way (I have no regrets) I am constantly being told I cannot do many things that I find hilarious. Disclaimer: What I find hilarious is not always funny to other people.

1) I am not allowed to give toasts at weddings anymore. I gave some in the past and, after the chaos those three speeches caused, brides always shout "No, no, no" when I stand up at receptions. I am rarely invited to receptions anymore since the old adage "better safe than sorry" applies to me. When I do attend a wedding the bride takes a minute from her schedule to come out and give me the old "I'm watching you" sign. Everyone turns to look at me. They know who she is pointing at. Apparently my name is now legendary on the wedding circuit. My mother is so proud (so proud that she now has her sigh as a phone app for whenever she hears talk about my latest escapade).

2) I can no longer return to Mississippi. I am (legally) not allowed to say why but I can mention the words "garden gnomes", "rave" and "governor's mansion."

3) I am no longer allowed to shout out "Pantless time!" This rule really mainly applies at work. I have never seen my manager move so fast. He rapidly ran to the back of the store so he wouldn't have to see it. Yes, he might have tried to stop me but I am like a bullet train. Once I get started there really is no stopping me.

4) Staring at people through windows at restaurants I cannot afford to eat at. I will stand by a window and look in at the diners. I suppose it wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't making sad, hungry faces at them while they are eating. Another thing I can no longer do is to go into a steak house with a friend and announce, loudly, "This is where Bessie ended up."

5) Going to visit mall store Santas. Some of you may ask why but I like to play the odds. If he does exist than I have made sure he knows what I want. If he does not exist, as many adults believe, than no harm done (except for the Santas whose laps I sat on to give my list. I still get hate mail from some of them).

6) Here is one I can still do but it does me absolutely no good. Joey, from "Friends", would hit on women with his opening line "How you doing?" I have tried this but it never works since women basically shut me down when I try. I hear phrases such as "Don't bother", "Not now, not ever", and "I'm not lowering my standards for you."

Of course, there are many more things that I shouldn't do but the line between shouldn't and won't do is pretty much non existent. There are some who may be skeptical of this statement but meeting me will erase any doubt you might have. Just ask Kim Bookless. I think she is still in shock.Fear that day when my shameless nature is revealed unto you. Fear it!

Friends

Friends.

 

Everyone has them. Everyone wants them. Everyone needs them.

I have been doing without one for some time and have decided that I want one. I am going to use all the things I have learned about friends from television. Sure, it will be a hard task but I am sure there is someone out there who is willing to do the work.

I know what you are thinking, that I should be doing the work to make it happen. If you know me than you know that is not going to happen.

“If you want a friend, you have to be a friend.” People say this but my question is, how can you be a friend if you don’t have any friends.?That is like trying to make spaghetti when you don’t have any pasta.

Back to what I have learned about friends from TV:

First, everyone in a group has a role. My role would be the sarcastic one who has a mean streak. I would always be there with a quick quip that mocks what other people say or do. This would not be a stretch for me since I do this anyway.  I hope I am not the kooky one who always makes the oddest comments that no one understands. I probably am, though.

Every group hangs around in one spot and they always spent most of their time there. Work be damned. I am going to hang out with my friends.

Children change the group dynamic but these children are rarely seen.

Arguments are funny. So is impotence.

The people that need therapy the most never get it.

Everyone in the group is sexually compatible since they all keep changing partners.

People do the right thing in the end. I would love to emulate this even though I have no idea what the right thing to do is. So, I plan on continue doing the right thing for the one person that really, truly matters: me.

Acceptance is a right. Even when you are wrong, people accept you.

Lastly, I want to find my best friend in the group and I want that person to be female, since TV always teaches us these two people end up together. Look at “Friends” and “X-Files.” Of course, it wouldn’t hurt if she looked like Gillian Anderson but that is not the most important thing.  

I would like to think I have had best friends but they keep asking who I am, how I got their number and why I am calling them. Questions like that never really get answered on TV shows and never really lead to restraining orders. Without TV to tell me what to do in these situations, I am lost. TV has failed me in certain aspects. I am shocked. In reality, I am not invited to join groups but, like Groucho Marx said, “I would never join a group that would have me as a member.” He also said “Once I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas Ill never know.” I am not sure how far I should take his advice.

Begging doesn’t help since every time I announce I need a friend the entire room clears out in a matter of seconds. My need for a friend starts riots. I am going to start one now. I need a friend. Who wants to volunteer (yes, I hear the crickets)?

Valentine's Day

Another holiday is fast approaching and I hate it. Many people have stated this is purely a commercial holiday and aren't they all nowadays? Name the last time retailers of some sort don't use a holiday to promote sales or merchandise that supposedly fits the holiday spirit. This is one holiday that is narrow in focus. You have to be in a relationship to enjoy this holiday which is why I have always broken up with someone when we get close to February 14th.

I have a clean record and have never celebrated this holiday. There have been some close calls but no, I have never had a significant other on this day. Does this make me wise? Does this mean I can see further than other men? Does this mean I know how to avoid the traps this holiday brings?

Absolutely not. This just means I am alone on the holiday but I am okay with that. This is one event that is made for special interests which include florists, candy makers, lingerie stores and card companies. What better way to say I love you than by giving someone an item that was hacked from the ground before being put in a cooler so to keep it fresh. I understand cadavers are kept this way so they stay fresh too.

I say this holiday is a trap since people get so caught up in it. Give the wrong gift and expect to be sleeping on the couch. Give the ideal gift and be expected to do the same for the rest of your life. Keep your partner's expectations low. This way when you do something right they are very pleased.

One tip: If you are going to buy lingerie, buy it one or two sizes too small. Nothing is more insulting to a size 8 woman than giving her clothing for a size 12 body.

Here are some things I have learned over my lifetime when it comes to dealing with the holiday:

1) Do not tell her you had money set aside to get her a fabulous gift but then Destinee hit the stage at the club and you spent all your money on her.

2) Do not go flower shopping through the florist's dumpster. Sure, the flowers are free which saves you some money or, at least, do not tell her you did this. There is a line between thrifty and cheap and this crosses it.

3) Do not give her edible jewelry. She will not be amused when you give her the jewelry box and, after opening it, seeing a diamond necklace which you promptly pop into your mouth declaring it to be gum.

4) Do not tell her that all the guys from your fantasy football league are coming to the romantic dinner for two just so you can celebrate the start of the season.

Lastly, never ever tell her that the gift you got her was a hit with all the other women you have been with.

See, there are some many hoops to jump through and what do we (as men) get? A bunched of pissed off husbands/boyfriends from your partner's friends who tell their partners what you did for your wife/girlfriend. Is it worth it? Yeah, it probably is...

Keeping a journal

Someone suggested I keep a journal as a place to keep my thoughts. I suppose they said this hoping that my thoughts stay on a page instead of flying out of my mouth. That's unlikely. I have no problem spreading the wealth of things in my head with the general public.

I say journal since the word diary has certain female connotations and I am not going to start writing "I must, I must, I must increase my bust." If I do than you know something has gone horribly, horribly wrong and no, I am not giving you a license to put me down because of it.

The problem is that I never know what to put in my journal. Right now the pages are blank since I do not know what makes for a good journal.

Should I write about how I am creating a butterfly army? Butterflies are tough and you don't know fear until you have seen a Monarch Butterfly on steroids. Yes, I am juicing up my butterfly soldiers.

Should I write about my dreams of winning the Nobel Prize for blogging?

Should I write about things I question such as whether Milli Vanilli still has fans?

Should I write about my idea that if human women began acting like Black Widow spiders than there would be a lot less problems for women (since most men would be dead)?

Should I write about the random thoughts that go through my head? You cannot spell psychologist without psycho. How do most of these people ever make it through their own analysis (which, as I understand it, they have to go through before starting to practice). Also, why do these doctors call it a practice? I don't want someone who is practicing. I want someone who has done it before and knows what they are doing. Practice means they are preparing to get ready for the real thing. I would hope that I am the real thing. Besides, as messed up as I am, I need a professional. Maybe two or three.

Should I write about the things I tell people that leaves them staring at me with their jaws hanging open? I am not sure if that person is feeling shock, disgust, fear, awe etc. Mainly since they have been struck speechless.

Should I write about how I failed a personality profile since I do not have a personality?

Should I write about my conflicting nature of loving movies but hating most of the dreck that Hollywood puts out every year? Come on, people, how many sequels do we need a year? Spend less money on making the same movies over and over and spend it on new, innovative material.

Should I write about my complicated love life and the troubles I have with dating? I am of the mind that I never pretend to be someone other than I am and this is why I have never gone beyond a second date. That's me, crushing any chance of a second date by my brutal refusal to act like someone other than I am. The point is that I am not the guy women want to be involved with long term. It is a shame, really since I have so very little to offer.

Any suggestions on what goes in to making a good journal will be read, considered and summarily rejected (but thank you for trying).

Resolutions

2013 is upon us and people are making all kinds of resolutions. Not me. I am perfect just the way I am. How can you improve on this?

Right now my former employers (if they read this) and standing up in indignation over that statement. They tell me that I come across very quiet when I get hired but that doesn’t last long.

Things I want to do in 2013.

1)      Get in touch with my inner child. No, I haven’t done so yet no matter what anyone else says.  I’m willing to do this since I need a break. It is so exhausting to be me. You have no idea.

2)      Going a whole year without someone asking “What is wrong with you?” or “Why would you do that?” (This one did not even last 24 hours).

3)      I resolve that I will find a woman who will make an honest man out of me. Shut up. It could happen.

4)      This year will be the one where Jennifer Love Hewitt realizes she loves me. Yes, I know she has no idea who I am. If she cannot do it than Lucy Liu, Jaime King, Alex Kingston, Stacey Oristano, Hudson Leick, etc. will do.

5)      I resolve to get my cats to say something nice about me. Yes, I know number 4 is more likely than this one.

6)      Find a place where Angelina Jolie striking a pose at an awards show is not hard news.

7)      Find a place where the politicians are more interested in helping their country rather than themselves (which may be less likely than number 5).

8)      Start my own cult—I MEAN COMMUNE. Who said cult? Not me…

9)      Maintain my record of never drinking Starbucks coffee. Am I one of the last? Am I a dying breed? The pressure makes me want to drink…but not coffee.

10)   Keep being the wonderful person that I am and watch as people drop me as a friend on Facebook because that is the easiest way to determine your worth as a person. The more friends you have indicates how good a person you are.  Right.

Okay, that is it for resolutions. I should resolve to stay the sweet, good natured individual I am but that is stretching it too far and no one would ever believe that. Heck, I don’t even believe that and I am writing this thing.

 

All in all, this means another year of me just being me. I will do more outrageous things that will leave mouths hanging open and shocked gasps. I REGRET NOTHING! NOTHING!