Friday, September 27, 2013

evening interruptions

One thing I really don't like is strangers (well, even friends who do this become persona non grata after this) stopping by in the evening trying to sell me something (Yes, I will buy those girl scout cookies once they come 100% girl scout flavored) or trying to convince me to join their religion. Now, I have nothing against religion and faith since these can help keep people strong during times of trouble. Having said that, I do not need people on my doorstep trying to convince me that I need to meet their deity.

Side story--In one of the many jobs I have had one of my coworkers, Adam, told Brian and myself that he was getting married. I volunteered to conduct the ceremony as I could easily become ordained. Brian chimed in with "Where, the Church of Latter Day Satanists." That was a good one. It's funny cause I'm evil.

I have developed several strategies to deal with these people:

1) When they ask if I have met their god, I ask if they have met mine and hold up a chicken bone.

2) Pick one of these people (you know they never come alone) and start hitting on them. Smile, flirt, ask "How you doing?", do whatever it takes. Just make it obvious what you are doing. Discomfort makes them leave faster.

3) Imitate Julian Beck as Kane from Poltergeist 2. That was one creepy old man what with that toothy smile and his asking "Can I have your little girl?" Okay, that was not what he asked but that is what he was basically doing.

4) Strip naked and announce loudly "I dedicate this body to you, O Lord." Trust me, stripping down all the way will make even the most dedicated of these door to door people flee.

5) Eat the pamphlet they give you right in from of them (making loud noises such as "Yum, oh this so good, Nom Nom"). When done, say "Please, sir, can I have some more?"

6) "Do you sacrifice virgins?" They will answer "NO" in a horrified tone. When they do, reply "Pity" and slam the door in their faces.

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