Roommates

By now many faithful readers (both of you) have seen that I am planning to move. The question is, Why Al, why are you going to move?

Well, let me tell you this: I have the roommate blues. I have learned paying rent means paying for the privilege of living somewhere and having a roommate means you are also paying for the opportunity to live with them.

None of the problems I have with a roommate could ever be fault. I'm perfect. Sure, people think I am a little (maybe a lot) odd and I am the kind of person that people never know quite how to take (Kim) and the type who people are never sure if I actually know who they are (Brandy. Well, I do not actually know a Brandy. I'm kidding, Brandy. Please don't hurt me. Honestly, she could without much effort). Wait, what was my point again. Oh, yeah, roommates.

Many times living with someone is more of a punishment and I am not going to pay for that kind of torture (unless, of course, her name has the word dominatrix in front of it which makes everything okay).

There are some clear signs it is time to move and break ties with your current roommate. Here are a few I have learned.

It is time to move when:

You are waiting for your car to be repaired and the local news station has a breaking story where the police have surrounded your house and your roommate has barricaded himself inside.

Your roommate begins tagging his belongings the same way a wolf marks his territory (look it up).

You come home one night to what you think is an empty house but find your roommate staring at you from behind your bed. You can see his head peeking above the edge of the mattress.

Your pets are terrified of him and refuse to have anything to do with him.

You come home with your girlfriend and he hands you a camera with a nudge and a wink before you head to the bedroom.

Your roommate is an adult and asks to sleep with you because he just had a nightmare.

His excuse for bad behavior is his dog told him to do it. The problem arises when he is serious and, worse, he does not have a dog.

Your roommate thinks being one day late on your share of the bills is an excuse to bring out a whip and flog you.

 

I am sure there are many more indicators it is time to move than the paltry list I have assembled here. This is why I believe people were meant to live alone. Living alone guarantees naked time is not going to interfere with anyone’s lifestyle. Having a roommate means always having to say you’re sorry.  At least it should.  

Katsucon 2013 photos part 1

I attended Katsucon again this year and met all kinds of new people. Most of them graciously allowed me to take their picture. You can see these below. Most people were extremely gracious and allowed me to capture their image after I asked. I have many more and this is just the start.

Samantha Linnert

Ashly Paraham and Katy Pelchy

Nicole Marino and Matthew Ramos

Nicole Marino and Matthew Ramos



Lauren Graybiel, Christina Huther and Heather McAffee



Jess, Shelby, Stephie, Kelie, Emily and Hanna

Lauren Graybiel, Christina Huther and Heather McAffee
 

Katy Smith
 



Kim Hessel

 

Kristen L.
 

Kat Caori
 

Laura Jones
 

Courtney Bass
 



Kanracakes
 

Esmerelda May
 

Bethany Maddock and some guy
who is ruining the shot.

Jessica Phillips
 

Victoria A.

 

Alexa Drew
 

Bethany Maddock




 

Kaitlin Reid and Michelle Paul

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Moving around

It is moving time. Well, it is actually find a place to live and then moving time. I have done this so much recently that I don't even unpack most things anymore. I just leave them in the box unless it is something useful like a TV, toaster, bed, etc. Everything else stays in the box which saves a lot of time later on.

I have moved several times since 2000. Some person, who shall remain nameless (Brandy! It was Brandy!), told me that I move around like I'm in the military. I'm not. Much like women, the military has rejected me. Am I seeing a trend in my life? OH MY HEAVENS, I am.

Packing is always fun since you get to see what you have accumulated over the years and wonder what you have accumulated over the years. People pack and they say "Where did that come from" or "I didn't know I still had that?" I tend to wonder why I have certain things. Than there are the objects that make me think it is something I shouldn't have and I make sure I pack it down deep into a box so no one can see it.

Being careful about who you get to help load the truck is essential. First, people always expect something from you. I tend to provide beer and pizza. Those are good incentives since people always like free. Even if it is something disgusting people will take it as long as it is free.

Other kinds of people try to loot what you are packing. This is why every box should be securely fastened otherwise people will peep inside and there is always that person who will look inside and ask, invariably, if they can have something.

Moochers are the worst. They are always trying to take your high end stuff like asking if  you still want your TV, computer, car, etc. They never ask for a dish towel or a hanger. It is a shame since I would be willing to part with those.

There are also the things I do not want anyone to see. These are the things I put away before anyone gets there since, without fail, someone will pick up and accidentally hit the on switch so it starts humming and then, after the panic dies down, there is no getting back to work.

Finding a place to live is worse than the packing. Looking around to find an apartment I can afford is tricky business. I walked into one leasing office where I was asked how much money I make a year. The entire office staff burst into gales of laughter when they saw my number. Eventually, the merriment came to an end and one person said something had just opened up which might be perfect for me. This person brought me an open cardboard box and said they just got this in.

Some people ask why I don't buy a house. The answer is simple; the villagers. Everywhere I go, they run me out. I cannot find any peace. Residents stock up on torches when I come around. I seem to get communities to unite. Does that count as a skill? Getting people to come together in a common pursuit.

humor for love

One thing television has taught me is that women want men with a sense of humor. Holding that as the gold standard I went out and prepared. I worked on timing for years. I practiced sarcasm and keeping a straight face, worked on puns (some of which have gotten me kicked out of some places), developed a sense of irreverence towards all things and attempted to learn funny voices. All this I did and more. You know what? It did not do me a bit of good. No woman has ever told me that my sense of humor has made them fall in love with me. No one has ever swooned when I made a snarky comment at someone's expense.

TV couldn't have been wrong, can it?

I know I am funny since my mommy tells me so. She had me tested but I am not sure it was for a sense of humor. There were a lot of questions

I make people laugh. I am never sure whether they are laughing at me or with me but it is laughter none the less, right?

I know I am funny even though I was sent a statement which read:

Your whimsy is flimsy.
Your sense of humor is only a rumor.
Your wit makes me want to spit (out profanities).

There is a message in this but I refuse to see it.

And yet, women are not throwing themselves at me. That means TV lied to me! How could it? I trusted it to teach me how to actually get women. I tried the Joey T. way from "Friends" by saying "How you doing?". Nothing. I tried to woo women with a sense of humor. Nothing. Hmm, maybe I should emulate scenarios where Stockholm Syndrome comes to play. Hmm....

Maybe my sense of humor is too much for any one woman. Sure, it has a mean component like when I was talking to Byron and he mentioned he was not able to finish a large bucket of popcorn at one sitting. M y eyes flicked down to his belly (the important part is to make sure he saw my eyes going down to his mid section) and then saying I find that hard to believe. He was offended that my eyes went to his stomach. Not the actual words but that I looked. Oh, well.

Maybe my wit is too clever. Someone asked a group of people why someone named a business the PMS Deli. My response was "Cause it is only open 3 days a month." All the women got that. Most of the men did not. The women laughed. The men looked puzzled.

One person had the audacity to tell me they can never tell when I am serious. The nerve! I am rarely serious and which should be obvious since my face never changer expression. I have that kind of face. I just wish I didn't.

Maybe I am too insulting. Someone said they were going to be the next Sigmund Freud. I responded by saying I think you mean the next Sigmund Fraud. They really did not appreciate that. I can't understand why not. It was brilliant. BRILLIANT.

Yet women are still not charmed by sense of humor.

I still cannot believe TV would lead me astray. If you cannot trust TV what else is there? Does this mean that nerds don't get the attractive blonds? People on sitcoms who don't have jobs or never spend time at work do okay financially. Don't tell me that isn't true! That was my last hope.

If odd looking guys cannot actually win women over with a highly developed sense of humor than I am doomed. DOOMED!

I only bring this up due to Valentine's day coming. Also, since I have tried the personality profiles for one of those dating sites and the result came back stating there is no one out there for me.

Great...

Permission denied

People constantly ask me "Don't you have any shame?" The answer is always no since I feel shame is an useless emotion. It keeps people from doing they want to do. I have no such flaw. Supervisors I have worked with can verify this statement. They have gotten used to it and, when someone brings up one of my actions to their attention, the response is "That's just Al." That is how I am explained now. Sometimes a sigh is included.

Being the wild and wacky individual I am means people talk about me a lot. Word of my exploits gets around. Well, honestly, they are more warnings than anything else. People caution each other about me which means I am told I cannot do certain things. While I take some of these as challenges other times I do it any way (I have no regrets) I am constantly being told I cannot do many things that I find hilarious. Disclaimer: What I find hilarious is not always funny to other people.

1) I am not allowed to give toasts at weddings anymore. I gave some in the past and, after the chaos those three speeches caused, brides always shout "No, no, no" when I stand up at receptions. I am rarely invited to receptions anymore since the old adage "better safe than sorry" applies to me. When I do attend a wedding the bride takes a minute from her schedule to come out and give me the old "I'm watching you" sign. Everyone turns to look at me. They know who she is pointing at. Apparently my name is now legendary on the wedding circuit. My mother is so proud (so proud that she now has her sigh as a phone app for whenever she hears talk about my latest escapade).

2) I can no longer return to Mississippi. I am (legally) not allowed to say why but I can mention the words "garden gnomes", "rave" and "governor's mansion."

3) I am no longer allowed to shout out "Pantless time!" This rule really mainly applies at work. I have never seen my manager move so fast. He rapidly ran to the back of the store so he wouldn't have to see it. Yes, he might have tried to stop me but I am like a bullet train. Once I get started there really is no stopping me.

4) Staring at people through windows at restaurants I cannot afford to eat at. I will stand by a window and look in at the diners. I suppose it wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't making sad, hungry faces at them while they are eating. Another thing I can no longer do is to go into a steak house with a friend and announce, loudly, "This is where Bessie ended up."

5) Going to visit mall store Santas. Some of you may ask why but I like to play the odds. If he does exist than I have made sure he knows what I want. If he does not exist, as many adults believe, than no harm done (except for the Santas whose laps I sat on to give my list. I still get hate mail from some of them).

6) Here is one I can still do but it does me absolutely no good. Joey, from "Friends", would hit on women with his opening line "How you doing?" I have tried this but it never works since women basically shut me down when I try. I hear phrases such as "Don't bother", "Not now, not ever", and "I'm not lowering my standards for you."

Of course, there are many more things that I shouldn't do but the line between shouldn't and won't do is pretty much non existent. There are some who may be skeptical of this statement but meeting me will erase any doubt you might have. Just ask Kim Bookless. I think she is still in shock.Fear that day when my shameless nature is revealed unto you. Fear it!