Tuesday, August 14, 2012

War with a mirror

                Waking up is always a problem since it forces me to look in a mirror and take a good, hard look at myself. Seeing the image reflected back at me is never a pleasant prospect. It is not due to the lighting which is usually a problem in women’s dressing rooms.

                Women say that the lighting in dressing rooms is unflattering. I would not know anything about that since I have never been in a woman’s dressing room. I have been in a woman’s bathroom (before you ladies burst forth with righteous indignation there weren’t any women using the room at the time). I looked around and thought “this is nice!” It was well lit and cleaner than the men’s room. Men don’t really mind dark bathrooms since that gives us an excuse for missing. “I couldn’t see the bowl. It was dark in there and I got scared.” That is really the only reason we can use for our behavior in the bathroom. It also explains why we never change the toilet paper roll since we cannot see that it is used up due to the darkness.

                When I wake up and have to see my face I am just grateful everything is in the same place it was the night before. After doing a physical check which involves me counting everything (two eyes, check, one nose, check, one mouth, check, three ears, che—wait a minute…) I thank heaven everything is in the same place it was the night before. I would really hate to wake up and find my nose had relocated to my forehead during the evening. That would be hard to explain when I go out in public. Plus, how am I going to keep my sunglasses on. Yes, my main concern is not that my nose had moved (which should be a source for MAJOR concern) but that I could no longer wear my sunglasses. Hey, we all have priorities.

                Looking at myself in the mirror is my own version of coffee. I get a jolt of pure adrenaline (caffeine) when I see myself staring back. When the initial shock has passed I realize that it is no worse than yesterday. This is really no comfort since it is not any better than yesterday either and it needs work. You know it is really bad when your pets won’t even look at you directly. It is a shame when your animals avoid eye contact. It gets worse when you realize that coworkers leave their glasses and contacts at home when they have to work with you.

                I have very pale skin. I like it that way since I am whiter than white. I am a new shade, Al white which is paler than Eggshell White. This has benefits as I no longer need a glow stick at night. My skin is so pale it is reflective. I can hold out my arm and see my way through the darkness. This is also beneficial when I am trying to read in a place with little to no light. Just hold up my hand and the book is now easy to read. This is why I wear black clothes all the time. I am trying to minimize the reflection of my skin on other people’s eyes. You have no idea how many times I have been asked to turn my skin down, like it is a flashlight I control.

                This is why I have no mirrors in my room. It is not because I am a vampire. It has been mentioned that I am a vampire. Silly people, they don’t exist (which is what a vampire would say, hmmm). A former coworker’s 8 year old daughter said “He wears all black, has pale skin and doesn’t like going in the sunlight. Mom, I think he’s a vampire”.  I laughed when this little tidbit was recounted to me. Baring my fang like teeth I told them vampires don’t exist. I suppose adding the comment that my coworker has a lovely neck went a little too far. I have never seen crosses whipped out so fast.

                Is there a point to all this? No. Just some random thoughts about why I do not like mirrors. There is only one mirror in the bathroom and sometimes when I walk by it and happen to see my reflection when I don’t expect to, I let out a little scream. Panting heavily from the sheer terror, I tell my reflection “Don’t do that. You scared the life out of me.” Fortunately there has been no response from the reflection yet. I wonder what my reflection would say to me. Based on what I have seen on TV and in movies I would guess my reflection is trying to convince me to touch the mirror so he can come out and take over my life. This is another reason I hate mirrors. They are trying to take my life away!

1 comment:

  1. Hey Al,
    Don't take the pet thing personally. My cat ignored me for fifteen years.