Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Soft on the inside

Hollywood, you're killing my people.

People are always saying that people who are gruff on the outside are soft on the inside. That is so wrong. So, so wrong. Underneath my tough exterior is....another tough exterior. I blame this belief on TV. Television always shows these tough characters to have soft spots on the inside and that simply disgusts me. Ugh.

Like with the movie "How the Grinch Stole Christmas." That was a fine character until the end when they ruined him. Having his heart grow several sizes destroyed a perfectly good character. Why did they have to go and do that?

Why does Hollywood have to go and do such things? Why can't they just show a wonderfully hard hearted character make his way in the world without trying to soften them up? Sure, the person ends up friendless and alone, eating dinner out of a microwave cup--uhm, what was my point again?

While we are on the subject on Hollywood, why do they keep putting out so many remakes? If Hollywood is really this low on ideas than stop making these movies and wasting so much money. They can just give the money away if they want to spend it. I have a bank account that could use the money.

Some people have expressed the idea that I am soft on the inside. I scoff at the concept. How dare they impugn my character with such drivel! Why not just suggest that I like Twilight movies (I don't), eat all my vegetables (I won't) and that I should watch reality TV (I refuse).

People who have gotten to know me warn other people with the phrase "Don't poke the bear." That's right, I am the bear. It is so fantastic! People fear me my sardonic wit. Wait, that may not be something to be proud. Just kidding. It is the one thing that keeps me going.

My morning mantra is "I'm sarcastic enough. I'm sardonic enough and darn it, I'm cruel enough." I repeat it a few times and I am ready to start the day. I don't smell the flowers. I trample them.

Helping is one of my strong points. When someone is feeling low I am always willing to kick them while they are down. Sure I am helping. I'm helping myself and isn't that the most important thing?

People have asked (okay, it was one person) why can't I just be nice. So I was. Overbearingly so. I did nice for two days before the person who made the request told me to stop it and go back to the way I was since it was creeping him out. Some people just can't be nice. Apparently I'm one of them.

"I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way." This is a movie reference (Yes, I know some of you are saying "Duh" right now) that had the rough edged protagonist go soft in the end.

So, Hollywood, I want to see a character that is hard on the inside and outside, someone who is not motivated by love (since they have never known it). Someone who is sarcastic, smart, and quick witted. Someone who doesn't relate well to others since his mind works differently and people are a little afraid of this. Hmmm, this person sounds familiar. Not only familiar but AWESOME!

(The person is me. Deal with it.)

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