Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Dating is hard

One Barbie doll said "Math is hard." I disagree and say "Dating is hard." I have never gone beyond a second date (mainly cause I get what I want from the first two and move on after that). Not that it is normally my choice. Woman don't want to go on a 3rd date with me. They learned enough from the two and that did it. Don't worry, there are no restraining orders out there on me.

There are reason why I don't go out with a woman multiple times. Here are some reasons:

She tries to throw a drink in my lap while we are in a movie theater. No, I do not know why she did this. We were quietly watching the film ("L.A. Story" with Steve Martin for those who need to know) and I just happened to look over and see her tipping the drink towards me. I was able to move so it missed.

I go to pick her up and she is not there. Her family is and they are having dinner. They insist I come in and wait. I sit in the living room for 30 minutes while they eat. I plan to leave but they tell me she will be there soon. If a woman is over 30 minutes late when she knows you are going to pick her up, that's your sign.

Going on a double date when the woman drives her family's van to fit us all in comfortably. Having her parents coming and taking the van WITHOUT telling their daughter they are doing this so we all think the van was stolen. This is a family I did not want to get involved with.

Having a fantastic first date with a woman who later says she just wants to be friends. I know this happens and can be valid from her point of view. The only thing that hurts is she was a little tipsy when she said this and she tended to get amorous when she has consumed alcohol. Yes, she was in a state of bliss and still only wanted to be friends. That didn't sting at all.

Those are some examples of why I didn't date those women more than once. Women have plenty of good reasons not to date me more than twice. Early dates are when you put on a good face and show the other person only a little bit of who you are. I don't do that. I let them see the whole picture. I don't pretend to be something I am not. How's that working for me? I have never been married and never been in a serious relationship. What does that tell you? Even Manson does better than I do. It is nice to think that I am less desirable than Manson.

This is why I don't date anymore. Too much effort when all I hear back is that the woman is not interested. This is why I have given up on dating. Why should women lower their standards? They can do better than me (which is what I told Byron when he said I should ask someone out. He responded by calling me one of those cute nicknames he has given me that were derived from the villains of several movies).

So womankind is safe. I have given up dating and have not even asked anyone out in years. It is not as hard as one might think. The ratio of no to yes was astronomical to begin with (since, you know, I am just so pretty). People ask me why I don't date and, just to be funny, I provide some of the following answers.

The President passed a law.

All the women in world got together and voted me down.

My bursitis is acting up.

So, if you ever see my oddly put together face in public, don't worry. I am not going to proposition you. The sound you are hearing is the collective sigh of relief from every woman in the world.

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