Monday, October 29, 2012

Someone for everyone

                In an earlier post I discussed the phrase “There is someone out there for everyone,” which irritates me to no end.  I said if you are going to tell me this then you need to tell me where she is. I think this is a fair demand. Of course, I do not think anyone is out there for me. People always say try to find your soul mate. This opens other questions with me.

                Can you have a soul mate if you do not actually have a soul? People have told me that I am missing that one item. They tell me things like this all the time. I have heard compassion and a metaphoric heart as well. At least I hope they mean a metaphoric heart as it would be hard to keep on living without it.

                What if your soul mate is a walnut and you eat it without even knowing it? What if it is some other inanimate object like a garden gnome? Come on, those gnomes have to serve some purpose…

                What if you are straight and your soul mate is the same gender?

                What if you are closely related to your soul mate (EWWWW, sorry that one just occurred to me and yes, I am a little-no, a lot, sickened by the idea)?

                What if you sell your soul to the devil? Does that mean the devil has rights to your soul mate?

                What if your soul mate is an animal? Treating an animal like a soul mate gets the police and PETA involved and no one wants that. I do not think they would accept soul mate as an excuse for certain kinds of behavior. Freak.

                What if they died hundreds of years ago?

                Of course the main problem with the concept of soul mates is that most people think a certain celebrity fills the bill. Repeated letters, calls and visits to their home while they are out (with a requisite going inside the house and rifling through their belongings. It is okay to do this as long as you are their number one fan and you have the paperwork to prove it) are ignored.  All this gets you is the police involved and a restraining order telling you that the celebrity no longer wants you near them. Don’t worry, they are just playing hard to get.

                Back to my point (if there even is one) is that the phrase ”There is someone out there for everyone” is completely misleading and a lie. People tell me this is a rule which means there is an exception to it. Yes, I know that I am the exception, which is fine since I like breaking rules---especially grammar ones.

                With my luck I have already met my soul mate and they were so put off by my sarcastic nature or my “meh” attitude or any number of other flaws they sworn off men completely and now life a life of complete solitude where they commune with nature and only eat wheat by-products. Apparently I am good at turning people and since we were supposed to be together I turned her especially hard.

                I suppose they might be right and there is someone made for me. I fear certain things if this is correct.

                She is a TV/movie character and I will only see her on the screen which, as everyone knows, will not keep me warm on a cold night.

                She is even kinkier than I am. That is probably not possible but one can never tell.

                She is allergic to me personally and keeps sneezing on me.

                She thinks the Kardashians and the cast of “Jersey Shore” are really fascinating people.

                She looks at me and asks me to take off my mask. When I tell her that this is not a mask she laughs and walks away.

                Is there a website for finding  your soul mate, like a site that guarantees you will find your soul mate in three months or they will give you one month free?

                                                                                               Her majesty, Kim Bookless, made this better.

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