This is a recent conversation I had about an upcoming convention. Realistically you could apply this conversation to any part of my life. Once you get to the end you will know how ashamed I should feel. But I don’t. Shame is such a useless emotion.
“I’m going to need some bail money in November. “ You will not believe how many conversations I start this way.
After a distinct pause (and a deep sigh) from Byron (let’s call him that since, well, it is his name) he said, “Wait a minute. November is months away. How do you know you’re going to need bail?”
“Well, there is a convention coming.”
“Uh-huh. I am going to need more than that. “
“The con is having several celebrities show up to sign autographs and ____________ (this is where you can put in one of the following names; Jennifer Love Hewitt, Lucy Liu, Holly Marie Combs, Gillian Anderson or Amber Benson. Any of them will do just fine. They are listed in no particular order) is going to be there. “
“You know you don’t have to do anything.” He says this after I tell him my nefarious plans to meet people at the con (most of which he thinks is going to involve security in one fashion or another).
“We both know that is not really an option. I don't have a choice. It is going to happen.”
For some reason, whenever I approach him, Byron starts speaking in a low voice and saying the same thing over and over, “Don’t get arrested. Don’t get arrested.” He seems to feel that subliminal training is the best way to go with me.
It is not like I want to get arrested. It is just that people do not appreciate certain behaviors or statements that may come out wrong. Like saying “I have been following you for a long time” instead of what you meant “I have been following your career for a long time.”
Celebrities also don’t like it when you stand there and stare at them mutely. Don’t say a word. Just look at them with your mouth hanging open. That won’t make them uncomfortable in the least. You should try it. Stand there silently, mouth agape. Throw in a few grunts for good measure. They will love you all the more for it. Or, more specifically, they will love when you leave.
Of course this is a good way to meet new people as you will become very acquainted with con security and if you do this long enough, you will be on a first name basis with them. Like when you enter the con and they nod in greeting since they know you.
“Morning, Al. What’s on the schedule today?”
“Thought I would head to the celebrity room about 1:30, check out who’s there.”
George starts writing in his schedule book, “You said 1:30?” I love it when security pencils me in. It means they have my back or, more specifically, my hands behind my back as they drag me away.
Dragon*Con was the first time I have met celebrities at cons. Well, except for one instance at NYCC last year but I don’t have any photos of that so there is no actual proof anything even happened. At Dragon I was able to meet several celebrities. One was Amber Benson whom I have discussed in my DC recaps.
The others were cast member from “Farscape” (squeal). No, I did not get into any trouble at DC. Of course you have to understand that I did not get to the room with Gillian Anderson. That may have changed everything but for the lack of 60 dollars to spend on her, the convention was saved. This time there is photographic evidence (which might actually work against me).
Here is the phrase every parent longs to hear from a child, “I am in con security lockup again.” The again really adds something.
Of course, if you go to cons you will find out that the celebrities have handlers. These are people who help the celebrity with anything the celebrity needs over the weekend. I have decided I want to be a professional celebrity handler but only for the ones listed above. This statement, when mentioned to a certain person (see above) causes him to sigh and say in a very loud voice “That is not what they mean by handler. You’re ridiculous!”
Yes, yes I am.
And to answer an earlier statement (in case you were wondering) Byron would not bail me out. He would let me rot in there. Probably for the best.
Kim Bookless made this better.