See, my sister has a simple system of getting
things she wanted (our brother was a reward/incentive). She got rid of people
she didn’t like (sending me in to get them to leave her circle). Everything was
fine until Danea had to go and ruin everything.
Danea
had something shiny Janie Mae wanted (the exact phrase my sister used was, “Oh,
shiny”) but rather than going with Joseph, Danea told Janie I was the reward
Danea wanted. Janie tried to convince her otherwise, tried to make Danea see
the error of her ways but Danea was insistent. So this is the story of how I
met Danea (and things that occurred later).
Janie
pushed me towards her where Danea scribbled a series of numbers on my hand. The
pen dug into my flesh and even though I tried to pull away her grip was like a
vise. When she finished writing, she released my hand and whispered, “If you
think that hurt, wait until later.” With that, she left. Janie demanded to know
what she had said but I kept that little treasure to myself.
Danea
arrived in a red dress and hair coiffed. I came in a t-shirt and jeans.
Obviously she took this more seriously than I did. Of course, if you know
me than you know that is not hard to accomplish. Serious is not something I
excel at.
“Why do
you spell your name so crazily? There’s no e
in Dana so why do you insist on putting one there? Is there something wrong
with your spelling ability?” Normally, going on the attack works. It forces my
date into a defensive position, which means my later moves go down smoother.
Not with Danea. She avoids the whole mess altogether.
“Keep
talking like that and there won’t be a second date.” She leaned back into her
chair.
Sucking
down the buffet shrimp, I told her “I don’t care about a second date. I’m just
here for the food and God willing, some sex.“ Another specialty of mine is
mentioning physical relations but not saying with whom. That leaves the night
ending with someone open. Danea doesn’t buy into it.
“Oh,
you say the sweetest things,” she replied. At this point I know I am in trouble
since my two early moves have been avoided. It is like she knew what I was
going to do before I even did it. Like someone had coached her. Like this had
been set up before
“I see
you came prepared for this” I said, looking into her green eyes.
“Gee,
what ever could you mean?” Danea asked as she batted her eyelashes innocently
and folded her arms over her chest.
She
didn’t sleep with me that night. I thought it was over. I was wrong. She was
just getting started with me. As I sit here typing this I realize she ruined me
for unintelligent women. She made me realize I need someone to challenge me
(and she did every day of our exasperating, beautiful relationship).
The
next time I saw her was when she showed up where I was working at the time. I
say “at the time” since I change jobs like most people change socks. She
stopped at the front desk where, when they asked whom she was there to see, she
told them we were newly married. She even had on her spare wedding ring.
As soon
as she said it multiple heads raised their heads above their cubicles like
gophers coming out of a hole. They all wanted to know who would dare marry me
and who would even admit it. People surrounded her. I couldn’t see her through
the mass. Later she said she thought some of them even sniffed her. I don’t
doubt it. People are strange. I brought the ring thing up. I asked her what kind of
person has a spare wedding ring just for emergencies. Actually I think the word
crazy slipped out of my mouth. In case you don’t know, calling a woman crazy is
never a good idea.
“Is
this really the conversation you want to start with?”
My head
lowered. “No, ma’am.”
I was doomed.
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