Security check.

Soon I'll be going to the airport to catch a flight for a mini vacation. I haven't been on a plane since the TSA became a hot topic. This time I will and I am preparing a list of things that will make this trip more memorable. At least it will for one lucky TSA agent.

Things to do:

1) Start going "Psst. Psst" to a TSA agent. When you have their attention, start pointing at the person next to you. Walk away whistling when that person is dragged off to the special room.

2) Keep your head down and mutter incoherently. No one ever pays attention to that. If someone does approach you, turn away and start growling.

3) When you deposit your money into the tub to get scanned demand a receipt before it goes through.

4) If you decide to do the full body scanner, undress before going through it. Ignore the panicking TSA agent who is now declaring that you do not need to undress to walk through it.

5) If you choose to have the pat down, tell the agent there is a $5 in it for them if they take their time and do it right.

6) Give a TSA agent a covered box and then run away as fast as you can.

7) Have your carry on luggage vibrate when you go through security.

8) When the agents tell you to do something, you tell them to do the same thing but angrily.
"Empty your pockets, please."
"No, you empty your pockets!"

9) When they finish your pat down announce loudly that is now my turn and proceed to run your hands over their body. Tell them "Don't worry, this is free of charge".

10) Pop a balloon near a security counter.

I believe this will make your stay in the airport much more memorable. Especially if they decide to hustle you to the small room in the back.